Dad4Eva, good to hear things are moving along well for you.

Like us, you initially think there is no hope, then you get to this point and you realise you really do have the power to change things for the better.

Your ex like ours has had her legal aid pulled, I believe they do this when they feel they don't have a winning case and their client is not taking their advice. At least that seemed to be the case with my partners ex.

Good on you for being brave enough to fight and getting to a point of what looks like it will be a good outcome for your kids.

Keep us posted.

Hi dad4 ever

As is the modern trend, google your emotions...There is good stuff on anger management and resilience. I agree with another poster that the more physically strong and healthy you are, the more resiled you may become with your lot.

Hi dad4eva,

This is my first post, though i feel it necessary to say, my ex also had legal aid refused to her after mediation.
She then agreed to be resonable and let me see my daughter, so I stopped proceedings.... it was ok for a while, then she accused me of sexual assault to my daughter... she moved away and it took 1 1/2 years to find her and a further six months to see my girl again....

that was 5 years ago.....

My ex had my daughter call me on fathers day (7 days ago) to tell me she didn't want to come down anymore... and to think I could of had her F#@!%

Just be carefull they can be your best friend when they want, but don't turn your back...

All the best
Dazz

dazz, our experience with my partners ex is that she only EVER turns on the charm when she is up to something.

We've learnt to be extremely wary during these times.

Dad4Eva, how are things going?

Hi again everyone!!

Sorry I haven't posted for a while, a lot has happened and hardly had time to sit down, read through the posts and write more. I haven't forgotten about you guys!

Thanks KAE, D4E, red-rider, dadycool, brother, Aussie and dazz for more of your support since last time I was here...I appreciate every word you guys have posted.

KAE, how are things going? Well, it has now been an amazing 10 months since separating. I have some good news, a little of some not so good news as well, but overall a good outcome for me. We ended up negotiating out of court...I didn't get everything I wanted but very close.

3 weeks ago we had our family report done at the magistrates court by a court ordered family consultant. I had requested this in the interim orders as the x was very relunctant to get one done, but she agreed to it in return to have the first return date in court adjourned so she could have time to find a new lawyer. The interviews went ok, we were all interviewed including the boys. I made my point about why I wanted equal time with the children and why it was in the best interests of the boys. The family consultant told me that the x got angry and frustrated with her when she had told her that in court she would most likely not get what she wants. Overall I got good feedback from her and that the boys did indicate to her that they wanted to spend more time with me.

A week later my solicior recieved the report and it had mixed messages in it. She recommended that I have the boys 5 every fortnight, just 2 days short of equal time. But she also stated that equal time could also be suggested if the matter did go to court. But she also made comments in there that indicated that she felt that I may have "coached" the boys to say what they said. And she was also concerned about my past "depression" and "chemical imbalance" that the x had mentioned to her even though I was never diagnosed with it. She also did mention that the x needs to be more flexible but the fact she got angry with the family consultant didn't seem to matter as apparently the x apologised later for her outburst. It was not recommended I have the boys equal time at this point due to her concerns about "coaching" and she felt the x was providing the boys a stable psychological environment. A psychological environment?? This is someone who got angry at the consulatnt because she was told she may not get what she wants. How's that stable? Anyway, the report suggested that later on equal time can be considered once the boys have eased in staying with me 5 nights a fortnight. I was happy with this.

The following week we attended the conciliation conference to genuinely come to an agreement once last time before officially going to trial. We were told to think carefully about going to court as it would cost each of us about $15,000 for two days of proceedings and the x was told that I would get the boys at a minimum what the report recommended. She resigned to the fact that I would have the boys 5 nights a fortnight. Then we went onto proprty matters. She wanted 80% of the equity of the house. I offered her 55% and 50% of my super. After 2 hours of negotiations, I ended up having to give her 67% of equity and 50% of my super ($16,000). I couldn't afford to refinance the house for that amount - $310,000 on my salary!!! I had to finally resort to selling the house, as I was told my the magistrate that the court would not be interested whether I could afford to pay her out or not. The court would only be interested in re-housing her cause she is a low income earner. It was deemed 67% was fair, even though I spent $16,000 in the past 10 months paying off the mortgage all by myself while she refused to contribute anything at all and lived in the house rent and mortgage free!! Child support was only $529 a month....mortgage was %1,600 a month. How this was fair I have no idea. My salary is only $56,000, hardly enough to service the mortgage and CS, but the court reckons I'm in a better situation to re-house myself than the x.

Anyway, I agreed to it, as I thought I might waste $15,000 in court and may not get anything more than this anyway. My lawyer fought really hard for me, don't get me wrong, but unfortunately as I earned 2.5 times more than her and I was a man the odds were stacked in her favour. I'm happy I will have the boys close to equal time, as I only currently have them for 2 nights a fortnight. I have to now find a suitable rental property before I can start the 5 nights, but have to wait for the property sell before hand. I didn't really want to lose the house but what could I do. She was just asking for more than I could afford and she did it deliberately as she didn't want me to have the house if she couldn't have it. My lawyer recommended I ask for the extra 2 nights 12 months down the road when all this has settled and we've all calmed down from this whole ordeal.

Overall I'm happy that I can now see the boys a lot more. The x was also advised that now the CS will be reduced to $380 per month to her, as I earn more than twice as her, but half her family payments will now come to me which equates to $360 per month which will nearly pay for her CS payments. Go figure!

The x is really happy now and she has started to text me more in regards to arranging the sale of the property. She is hoping the house will sell for a lot more than the value we agreed to before having to sell it. At the end of the day, the fact that she is going to have the boys a lot less now hasn't upset at her which confirms that all this was about how much she could profit from the marriage.

For me now, ii's all about moving out of my parents home and getting into my own place even if it is rented. I can't wait to have the boys more frequently and they are very happy too after I told them. It looks like the light at the end of the tunnel is now in sight. But now I also still have the continuing emotional pain to deal with. And I'm hoping that in time the pain will ease. I still have those dark moments when the children aren't with me and when friends are not around and can't help but to think how things could've been different if this hadn't happened.

I hope to make new friends and slowly remove myself from the married friends around me that sometimes has a negative affect on me. It's sad to say but I am now viewed by majority of "friends"as a single man and I might make "a move" on their wives. I am no longer invited to dinners or to just have a coffee, whether with my boys or by myself. I have 3 close friends that I still mix with and that suits me as I don't want to be with people that don't want to associate with me.

A mentioned by a few of you, I can't forgive or forget. The x is just there as a necessity as you have said. But this has made me stronger and won't take crap rom anybody again like I used to before. I know I'm a stronger person than she would ever be, as I have done this mainly standing on my own 2 feet. Whereas she has a large family to rely on.

Sorry for rambling on again and I have to once again thank you for your support and kind words. I will have to make an effort to attend the DID meetings...I will soon.

Take care guys and speak soon.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh Dad4Ever how long have you been going to go to a DID's meeting for now ??????????

Truth is you have done a champion job over the last how ever many months in what you have achieved and you've ask for help when you have needed it here on the forum, I recon by now you can please yourself whether you need to go to a meeting or not, so I won't hassle you any more o'l Son...........

In time a lot of the past looses it's importance and your outlooks and concentration gets directed to whats important so by proxy things do change, I still have dark moments and it's constant work even on medication. I'm just lucky I like my own company and I have a few good friends who I would be lost without, new friends come into the picture too.

Starting from scratch isn't easy and for a time things do get on top of you financially but they sort themselves out and the time with the kids just doesn't carry a price tag, unlike their mother ehhh.

Real proud of what you've done and glad you have shared with us well done Dad4Ever you will make a difference to your sons lives and don't pay too much head to the report you know the truth and so do your kids.

Best of luck to ya D4E

Likewise D4E, I also think you should be very proud of how far you have come and what you have achieved.

It is tough starting over, but you also have so much more to gain now. Both my partner and I had the period of having to start over again and feeling like everything we owned had been halved (well in my case was halved, in the case of my partner I think he was lucky to walk away with 20%).

The thing with us, is we have now met each other and once again we have combined assets etc only now with each other...the difference is, we are a hell of a lot happier with each other than we were with our previous partners so material losses mean nothing when you get to that point.

I'm so glad you finally got more time with you boys and that things seem to have settled into what could possibly become a lot more amicable with your ex.

For us here it has been absolute bedlum work on the work front. Both my partner and I work in a similar industry so we are just flat out at the moment. On the home front my partners ex has her moments and still works on the children with regards to trying to poison their minds, at times it seems to have an effect, but because they are with us full time, we've been able to minimise this to day.

So I guess for us, life is good. We're all happy and healthy, so could not ask for much more.

Sorry, D4E in my reply was meant to be the shortened version of Dad4Eva. See what comes from rushing my reply!

Hey D4E, I know, I know....I will soon I promise. Truth is the days that there are DIDs meetings here, I usually have the children.

Thanks for your kindness and support, it really means a lot. It's still not over by any means, but I'm taking each step as it comes.

I recieved the agents contract to sign and the x has indicated she wants a 3 month settlement after the property sells, so she has enough time to find another place to live. She's had 10 months to look for a place!!. I've changed it to 30 days and told her if she wants a 90 day settlement then she pay the remainder of the mortgage after 30 days. This is all good for her but what about me who is paying the entire mortgage. I will have to continue to pay until the property settles in February. By the end of it, whatever money I end up with would've been eaten up by the mortgage payments. And I can't move into my own place until I stop paying the mortgage...can't afford to pay rent and mortgage at the same time. So financially I'm screwed. Still a long way to go! Having the boys with me is the only time I relax and forget this nightmare for a while.

I wish I did feel like a champion right now but I'm really exhausted mentally. I believe in Karma and what goes around comes around. One day I hope the x gets what she deserves. The thought of starting from scratch again at my age (39) frightens me so much. I'm just lucky I have a great job and a great employer that has supported me. I don't know what I would've done if I didn't have a job and believe me there were moments where I just wanted to quit cause I couldn't be motivated to get up each morning to another day of utter pain and suffering. Eventually I learnt to carry on....doing things when I really didn't want to.

Great to hear from you again D4E and hope to chat more again soon. Take care cause it's people like you that makes a difference in this world for the better.

Dad4Ever

Thanks KAE, I just saw your reply after posting mine. I am proud but I will feel much better once the whole property issue is over, as this is more important to the x than the children.

Yes, you're right. It is all materialistic stuff but it also belongs to the children and I think this is where I get emotional about stuff like this, cause it's not just about me or her but more importantly about the boys.

I have been through a lot of pain throughout my life, even before I met the x. After we got married I used to pray everyday and say how glad I was to find someone like her...and believe me things were great between us in the early years. Now that she's been capable of doing this to me, you start thinking if someone that close to you does this imagine a total stranger????

KAE, does your partner use this site as well? I'm just curiuos that's all. You sound like you give him plenty of support and also come on here and offer more support. Thanks for being here and thank you too D4E for being here as well. It would be good to hear your story as well with your x.

No doubt the x will come up with plenty of tricks down the road. I will however try to be one step ahead of her.

Take care and speak soon again.

Dad4Eva, he pops on and reads the occassional posts from time to time, but more so sitting with me. He's not much of a typer, more a talker (hard to get a word in edgeways )

I think we offer each other support in different ways. We both feel as though we are best friends first and everything else is an added bonus. I think we are both good people and fortunate that we have found each other.

My reason for coming to the site is that I remember how desperate we were when things were at their worst and how frustrating and devestating it was not to find the support and answers that we needed as quickly as we needed them.

I like to think that some of our experience and the answers we found might help give others hope who are experiencing similar situations at a time when there seems to be nothing but frustration, despair and hopelessness.

I think inherently for someone to do what some of these ex's do, the signs must have been there previously to show that they are capable of some of these things.

I've known a few people like that in my time and also known others who see getting on with their lives as being more important than fighting for years over material stuff.

You do learn to watch out for the signs and it's unfortunate but you do learn to protect yourself a little better the next time around. Just don't let it stop you from trusting the right person again in the future. It can be a miserable life if you lose that ability to trust again.

I was lucky, my marriage breakdown was quite amicable. My ex and I are still good friends. My partners divorce was pretty vicious by anyone's standards and the treatment of the kids and the resulting custody battle was horrific to say the least.

You do wonder what posesses people to stoop so low (bit of an understatement I know).

In all honesty though, I believe these people will suffer terribly later in life as a result of their actions, so that alone helps us feel satisfied along with the fact we have moved on and are quite happy with our lot.

All the best. The worst I believe is out of the way for you now. Although there will no doubt be the occassions where things seem to go pear shaped again, you do tend to go from strength to strength and then look back and think of it all as a distant nightmare.

Just focus on those precious boys of yours now and the rewards will come to you 10fold.

Hi - I know it's cold comfort but my "mediation" - consisted of being placed in a room by a member of the Family Court - then handed a post it note with a phone number on it and told to ring it. The person answered informed me that my ex's legal rep hadn't turned up for work that day and she was in her place but had NO LEGAL AUTHORITY ! (This was for a court ordered mediation). When I asked what the point was - she said there was no point in continuing and hung up. Not knowing what else to do - I sat there for four hours til someone came to check on me. When I told them what had happened they replied "This is taking far too long" then "You need to seek further legal advice as we can't help you anymore"

At this point my children had been removed from WA by their mother nearly 6 months earlier. I left the court in a confused demoralised daze and have never returned. I have NEVER had any further correspondence from the court - as far as i know my file was thrown in the bin - too hard basket. Been 11 years now since I last saw my kids - or heard from them for that matter.

Here's what I learnt - the FC had no intention of ever helping me - they wanted me to keep going back to justify their own existence.
There are no checks, balances or follow ups - and if you are male - your the enemy!

The reason the legal aid people on her side aren't talking about the settlement is because they can't - its not in their funding - or thats what I was told 11 years ago. Took me 10 years to clean it up - still not found or heard from the kids.

At the place I worked at the time - their were 5 of us under going seperation - and all of us had been served with AVO orders - courtesy of legal aid. All were false - cost me $3500 to beat that one - the only thing I did win incidently. The reason they do this is it puts you under severe financial and emotional stress (remember - its the equivalent of a criminal record for assault if its granted or even if you willingly sign it. If you don't believe me - go ask a person involved in the human resources industry and ask them what their thoughts are on people with an AVO - its strike one.
It also can be used to help them get full custody and restrict access - even if not granted - the fact it was asked for can still be used against you. Mind you - there is nothing you can do to prevent it from happening - except fight it, an here's the really good bit - its a slur on your character and even if you get it thown out - there is NO RECOURSE! - you cannot get compensation nor can you suit the other party for the costs involved - cause they'll make you pay it anyway - one way or another!

Oh - by the way - you can't sue the Family Court either - i know, i tried to sue them for negligence and was told it was not allowed under federal law - so to all those who have said they are a law unto themselves - guess what - your absolutely right!

To any who think I may be wrong - or exaggerating - I speak from ACTUAL EXPERIENCE - buyer beware!

Funny thing though - I notice there is NO RESPONSE on this site from people from the Family Court or C$A so are we all a bunch of liars and cheats - or is there something else going on?

Here's the 2 most important things from an 11 year survivor of family hell

1) Everyday without a chalk mark around your body is a great day!

2) If you are going through hell - don't STOP - keep going until you get out - if you stop - your stuck there - thats what happened to me

Hey Dad4Ever I'd suggest that you deny the request for 3 month settlement.

Ring the real estate agent and find out what the average settlement time is then inform your X that it will be a 30 day settlement from point of acceptance of offer.

There comes a time when you have to simply say ' no ' and reflect on what effect it has on the children in regards to you establishing an environment for them.

If you have agreed on orders by consent regarding children and finances then she has to abide by those orders, if a time limit is not stated in those orders then do what you feel is fair by all parties, establish your environment and offer to have the kids until she find accommodation. At least this way the kids will have a home with one parent.

You can personal message me if you wish regarding the orders if you do not want to put specifics on the forum.

Part of the suffering is being in limbo I was there for a few years before sorting things out and remaining anything other than afraid is very difficult because you just don't have a life or future and certainly feel you have no control over any part of your soul.

You are right the tricks and triggers do not stop and sometimes the best you can hope for is they get bored with you and find another victim but you do develop skills along the way in dealing with the situations just not yet.

I know how it feels passing 40, my 40'th birthday present was separation, bugger really I missed out on having a mid-life crises ( she left lol ).

Her problems are no longer yours my friend and if you keep sorting them out she will use you till your a ghost, make your choice for you because you have a high percentage of care your children need the same at dads house as well as mums, they need your environment just as much and you are equally important and essential to them.

The choices you now make are for the kids and you as well as you and the kids, there mother is no longer a concern in this evaluation but factors in regarding care of the children. Her environment is her responsibility.

I'm being a bit hard on this one because the kids mum is not considering what is best for them but rather using them as an excuse and that really peeves me off. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Hey KAE ... No stress I knew who you where talking to and lets face it it's just an abbreviation and the only reason I don't use it is because it would sound like I was talking to myself and I'm easily confused

Hey scanley ....... I can understand how disappointed you are with the whole bias system and how fathers seem to be only good for a source of money this is part of the reason we are here to provide support to those going through the current system and help them navigate as well as understand what to expect.

The checks and balances that are missing we try to inform people of so they are aware of them and encourage people to become informed and even watch court processes so they feel less intimidated by it all.

This is not only done here but also on many other web sites that seek to change things and help others.

Personally I don't think you are wrong or exaggerating though I do believe a father has more options and choices to change outcome these days, I agree even as short as 4 years ago in my state it was better than when you went through but similar in experiences regarding mediation and the lack of care by the system. Things are changing and we hope for the better but it still means we can only help those who stumble into our direction, which unfortunately isn't that many.

So lets hope the word starts to spread faster and more people come forth and this way more children will have the advantage of a father in their lives.

Sometimes change comes from not fighting to change the system but educating those who go through it to increase president, truth is anything that can accomplish the goal with out hurting the cause who fights for it is good.

The FC system is a farce. An absolute joke. We had a positive outcome in the end, but only because we educated ourselves and went in ready to fight with a passion for the sake of the kids.

Knowledge of the system and your rights under the system, the kids genuine best interests and a desire to fight it to the end if necessary, I believe are the tickets to helping you win in court.

You hit brick walls everywhere and it's incredible how much negative information you recieve, including the same from your own lawyer initially...all toothless tigers.

We didn't experience a bias against men when we went through this. Far from it. It was more a confusing minefield, and one where noone seemed prepared to take a stance and act. No department wants to become involved.

Eventually we found a lawyer who was as passionate as we were. Mind you, by that stage we were so fired up there was no stopping us anyway. My partner and the kids had been held hostage long enough.

We went from getting the kids whenever the partners ex would allow them to come (court orders stipulated one weekend a fortnight - hardly enough as it was), to winning full time custody of them after they had been living with their mother fulltime for 3 years.

It's tough, but it's possible.

I don't think there are too many days that go by where we don't see these kids and notice how well they are doing now as a result.

In the space of 12 months my stepson has gone from being completely illiterate, could not read even the words 'it', 'the', 'is', and so on, confidence was at a terrible low, he used to say to me 'I'm dumb, it's true KAE, I know I am, I'm just dumb'. Even now it still breaks my heart to realise he felt this way about himself. To now being at the top percentile in all subjects on the national test for Australia and a very happy boy with so much confidence now that he is the first one up in front of his drama class with the loudest proudest voice.

I looked at a photo of my beautiful stepdaughter who was like a little waif 12 months ago, hair hacked to pieces, scratches and bites all over here, infestations of headlice so bad over a two year period I thought the headlice would pick her up one day and carry her off to now, she still has a little way to go in learning how to cope with some of her mother's brainwashing, but is also doing very well.

They are both very loving, affectionate, confident and happy and doing so well.

We look at them now and realise, these kids actually have a future now.

The system is not geared up to support you well through the process. I think you really do need to arm yourself with as much knowledge of what your rights are, what the childrens rights are, what is possible (anything is possible) and just be prepared to give it all you have.

It's so damned expensive, it's time consuming and can be soul destroying, but when you look at these little guys, you realise you don't have much choice.

Hi Dad4Ever. I'm new here but was glad to read your update.

I'm happy things have started to work out for you. Revel in the small victories and the losses don't have to feel so bad.

Getting your boys 5 days a fortnight is a great start. Your contact with them is the most important thing. The money is all a distraction from that opportunity to show them your love and to be the example they need. Make sure to do the right thing for them and I honestly believe it will work out in time.

I too believe in karma. People who do wrong when they know what they should do suffer their own guilt. It also puts them around similar people and the wrong doings come back to them. Likewise, when we do the right thing, even if it is hard at the time, it ultimately comes back to us many time over. I've got a new saying that has the double edged thing I like, "may your karma come quickly".

I'm in my mid 40's and starting over sucks. As scanley says, not having a chalk mark around my body today makes it a good day by comparison. I don't have much money right now, but I try to do something I enjoy every day. I've counted and if I live to the age my Dad passed away, I've got about another 13,000 days on this sphere. I don't want to look back and say I should have tried to be happy more. To me that would be the ultimate waste. I bide my time until I get my day in court to force my wife to comply with the order to let me see my daughter again, but I do everything I can to make my life have meaning until then. I will not let my wife's mean spirit keep me from having a fulfilling life - that would be giving her too much power. May her karma come quickly!