I have been reading the posts on this site for a few months now, both with great interest and sadness. My man hasn't seen, or heard of, or from, his one and only child for 3 years because there exists an obstructive "other party".
I have the belief and commonsense to stay out of any maligning of that other party as it serves no useful purpose and diminishes the child involved.
What I do see is the hurt and very deep sense of sadness and loss my man experiences daily, the frustration, anger, sense of powerlessness, his thoughts of giving up the "search" and just hoping that one day his child will contact him before he dies !
What a situation to be in with little or no recourse
I have encouraged him to take a methodical and persistent approach to the recovery of his relationship with his child. He had been a great Dad before and will be in the future...a man who loves his child ...If the other party ever looks at this site i hope she develops a conscience. Thanx Jen[/quote][/list]

Hi Jen, I am also a partner of a dad in distress (or was in distress). It's a gut wrenching time to watch someone you love go through something so incredibly painful.

It leaves you feeling as though you have no control, feeling very protective of your partner and extremely angry at the ex. It's all consuming and at times you feel as though you need to get out and run to save your own sanity.

It's also difficult watching your partners situation from a 3rd party point of view. My partner felt all of the things I think most DID's go through - guilt (and guilt parenting), greiving for the loss of his children, lack of control, shame, anger, and resignation.

For us, things did get better. In the midst of all of this happening had someone told me the worst would be over in the space of a few short years I never would have believed it. But here we are, at a much happier place and certainly with the worst well and truly behind us.

Has your partner obtained legal advice and persued the matter through legal channels? The system does work (albiet slowly).

Even without the ex allowing access, still send letters make calls, email, send letters to family members they have contact with etc for the children. Even if they never recieve them, one day they will know that you guys were thinking of them. Keep a copy of the letters for them to read at a later date should they not recieve the letter you guys mail.

Thanx for your reply KAE...I'm always the optimist....I have encouraged him to send things to an address where the child should get them...but they have been opened and returned.....Its sad to see someone wanting to be a Dad and not being able to ....Seeing someone wanting to leave the distress of it all behind but feeling like they are "copping out" if they do. What is worse is him knowing that other friends they had in common know more about his daughter than he does...but when he has asked them their old fashioned reply is "well she's her mother".. I mean really I thought we had dropped that nonsense ......My great concern is that his daughters mind is being polluted against him and I have no doubt that that is the case. And I am worried for him in that sense.....Im lucky I have no involvement in his situation apart from seeing his sadness and pain.....We will perservere and hope for the best

Worth your weight(s) in gold, both of you.

jen66
I'm newly registered but have also been reading this site since introduced some months ago by my new partner who is a member of the forum.

Tell your partner to take heart, i've been in the childs position although it was my father who went walkabout as he called it, and refused contact with me but kept in contact with my younger sister.

No matter what happens when your a child, in your later teenage years you start to question alot of things and people in an attept to find out who you are. I've no doubt this will happen for his child also.

This is why I forced my ex to keep in constant contact with our son even though he was hurting about the breakup. I even went as far as going next door for coffee so he could our son to bed at night.

Time and patience is the key.
Get him to keep writing letters and state in his first why he has not actually sent them. One day she'll ask why he never wrote and he can then pull out the letters for her to read.

good wishes to you both
D.C N P

Jen66 your most welcome and it'stime thank-you also - I know you are fighting your own terrible battle at the moment and it's nice of you to pop in a few nice words for us.

Jen66 are there court orders in place? and how old are the children?

Hi Jen66 , I have followed with deep interest your heart wrenching story and ask if you would provide further information as you wish to.
Mail can get through by writing on the envelope in an immature hand-writing with no address, yet it is a last ' underhanded ' method I have seen work , yet don't recommend.
Is his daughter far from him , or local.
And what prevents him from seeing her.
Does the Mother think she owns and POSSESSES the child ? To possess a child or any person is cruel and abusive. All children need the nurture of both parents.
She may be jealous of you and not wish her daughter to be in your company, no matter how capable you are with children.

It needs to be pursued further step by step. Please consider placing before us other information if you feel it safe anonymously. If not send it to your choice of helper here on the Forum by private email.
Jen66, you have only folk as you can see willing to support you. It does take courage to speak of these issues, yet you are totally free to share with friends whom you know where you live.

I commend you for telling it as it is for you and your partner. Thank you sincerely. There are ways ahead as KAE suggested.

My best regards
Colin

Jen66, I may be stating the obvious to you. But for me, I was blown away when first hearing about 'Parental Alienation' and then reading about it.

It always amazes me that a person can choose to inflict such terrible damage on their own flesh and blood and as Colin said believe that they actually have OWNERSHIP of the children rather than a responsibility.

It's sad that your partner has had to hear the flippant remarks of friends who don't understand what it is like to be a parent/father on the outside. I don't understand where the idea's come from that a mother in general cares anymore for her children or should be entitled to any more rights than a father does.

Jen66, it is tough on the partner of someone going through something like this, particular when the kids become involved in the animosity of it and I think it is a true test of someone's character not to run in the face of it.

Your partner is lucky to have you fighting by his side (no doubt you are both lucky to have each other - your story indicates a deep sense of love towards your partner). I hope he doesn't have to wait too long to have the relationship he wants with his child/ren and vice versa, the children don't have to wait to long to enjoy the benefits of a relationship with their father.

Thanx all for your replies
It's a situation where I think the mother thinks she does have ownership of the child. By the same token I feel my partner made a huge error in judgement by moving away...but I can understand that too...It must all get too much and seem so futile at times and the hope of building a new life must seem like like a beacon. What I see is a good man who loves his child. The mother has hidden the child and he doesn't know where to start. Money has been an issue for him and he does't want me to pay for it ie the legal avenue....but I think of the longer goal... to have a child know that they were and are loved very much...It seems cruel to me to deprive any one of two sides of a family especially a child and basically to act as if the man in the relationship was only the sperm donor...I realise that seems crass but that's how I see it...Kids need as much love as they can get despite their parents differences. We have talked of moving to make contact or re contact become a reality....Life is too short for all this type of thing...Jen

And KAE I have never been blown away by Parenteral alienation .....It's just a bad part of human nature when the other "half" must feel threatened by the other parent.....I read that article with a sense of saying yes...yes...thats it...hit the nail right on the head.....I think why isn't there a better, fairer way to all this and when do all the platiutdes end ?

In case you are not aware, PAS has been totally dismissed in Aus courts and most US courts as well. Probably because it gives a simple name to and identifies a 'condition' that the Courts would rather skirt around. Much better to fight, to hurt the kids for a few more years, to spend heaps on arguing about nothing (check Family Court recent decisions where a couple spent loads fighting over a Thai cutlery set worth bugger all) and to waste assets built up over many years. No? If you want it then i want it more. If you say it is worth something then it is worth more to me. If it makes your life better then it makes mine worse. Blah blah blah. It might just be about time that all affected get out there and march, blockade, show soliti=ude. No violence, that only defeats the purpose. Taxi drivers block a major intersection and they get what they want. Surely there are many thousands more of us than taxi drivers. WE are in every street, suburb, municipality, town, city and state.

Parent Alienation or PA as it is most often called. The only way to prove it is by a psychologist. The courts won’t accept it from anywhere else. (Inconsistent considering the Family Court will accept hearsay evidence, without any proof, on anything else) Many psychologists don’t believe in it. I find this the strangest thing of all. Alienation is as old as Noah, it’s mainly women who use it although there have been some cases of men being the perpetrator. When you (a girl) were in school, if you had a fight/argument with a friend, you went telling tales to your mutual friends, trying to get them to side with you or the other one did it to you. That’s alienation and it’s still going on now in the school yard, down the street, in the home between siblings. Alienation is the weapon of choice for the weak of character.
Most men have an argument or fight, and it’s done, it’s over, we don’t stew on it. We’re more likely to buy the bloke a beer after, than go around slagging him to our mates or mutual mates.
PA is child abuse but even the Child Protection Agency won’t act on it. It’s not physical and doesn’t leave visible marks. The psychological scars can be very deep. Ironically, the majority of children who have been subject to PA abuse, turn on the perpetrator later in their lives, when they feel they are strong enough and/or no longer reliant on the perpetrator for the roof over their head or the food on the table. Cases are recorded where women have taken out DVOs on their children when this has happened.

It’s always the children who suffer the most. Education is the key, from an early age.
None of this is new, especially on this forum. Many here have suffered.
DC

Jen66 I can sense so much of myself in you. It will be a tough time, there is no doubt. While going through it there seems no sense of an end. But for us it did come to an end, quite quickly too I might add (at least faster than we could have imagined at the time).

I think it's commendable that you are offering to help financially. I did the same with my partner. Like yours he knocked it back and funded it himself. He is a good provider anyway, but the court case was quite costly and meant a reshuffling of finances.

My partner is a proud man, he wanted this to be something he funded alone. Not sure why so much, just respected his wishes for it.

Jen66, in the thick of it, we also thought about moving away (overseas). It was just such a distressing time and all you can think of doing is putting one foot in front of the other and trying to ease the pain. The move away would have been easy for us. What stopped us is the fact I could not consider being away from my own children who I am quite close to. In the end we obtained a restraining order that allowed a bit of peace and things slowly got better from there.

Different situation to yours, but I think so many think of the option of the move away from a painful situation. We had each other and it was so inviting. I think the move away would be even more inviting for someone else having to go it alone. It's all you can do to keep your sanity sometimes.

Daddycool - I love that. Weapon of choice for the 'weak' of character. Never truer words spoken.

Well it's great to be at loggerheads with the one you love. I'm not involved in any way with his situation but i feel like I'm the enemy with any plan I put forward.....So this might all end in disaster as far as our relationship goes.....I am fully supportive but all the other crap gets in the way......
Jen66