Don't forget to look at Virgin Airfares. They generally tend to come in cheaper and hold a bigger stock of bonus fares.

My opinion is they are nicer to deal with also

Thanks KAE,

My Inlaws are also very supportive, they have offered to help with the cost of travels with my kids.

so of course we are looking for the cheapest. only a couple of days to go till mediation.

Ok had the mediation today, Must say 99% waste of time and 1% was worth it.

For the whole 2 hours my EX stuffed around just on the holidays time and where it is to be spent.

Nothing was put on paper so my ex can still screw me over.

This was the final outcome, either the children will stay at a relative of hers in brisbane and i visit them when the kids wish for me to visit and if they want to stay overnight they can.
Or
if the children want to spend the holidays here they are allowed on the condition that if they dont want to stay any longer at any point that we organise thier travels to get them home.

She says that its all in the kids hands. Oh and i am not respecting my eldest and youngests kids wishes to be called by thier stepfathers last name. the middle child was left out of that. when i have asked the kids themselves what they would like on thier letters and they said they dont care,

So since nothing is on paper and official than what is going to stop my ex from lying to the kids and bluffing them out of coming here for holidays and saying that they dont want nothing to do with me?

sounds like she is holding you to ransome! I wouldn't go with the relative idea.

It had to be tried pikant .

It was doubtful that anything would be going down on paper but it would appear that she is negotiating and the mediation certificate would show that I'd suspect.

The kids staying with the relies may see the mother go along for the ride and influence the kids or the relies doing the job for her. Having them stay with you may see them want to leave early if things become uncomfortable for them because they do not like your way of disciplining this also means no pre-arranged flights back.

And as you have said there are no guarantees as nothing is on paper.

I agree she is not relinquishing any form of control and you are being held to ransom.
I also agree that the best option may well be the relatives, this allows you to bond with the kids and let them chose if they want to stay.

The big question is who is paying for the flights ??????

If it's you then you can pre-determine the flight dates and she will be responsible for earlier return as they are with relatives.

Either way it's a risk but please do not think that being written on paper assures an outcome, this will always be a risk that we all face everyday.

Just make the decision that best suits you in the long run and build towards the adventure with the kids, once over there if they chose to stay overnight for X amount of consecutive nights there is little she can do as she has agreed they can stay overnight and it's their choice.

Check with the kids first to see what they prefer then make your decision with you in mind.

best of luck D4E

Only time will tell, Sunday I get to talk to the kids again and ask them which way they choose, and of course reassure them that I will accept either decision and will still love them and spend time with them.


I did raise the question of cost of travel and said that I didnt think that it is fair to pay for both ways and apparently she didnt say anything to that but the mediatior pointed out that she didnt disagree with the idea.

But according to the mother its only the first lot of holidays that she is worried about. after that she has no fears about them spending every holiday with us.

but once again she was on her best behaviour and i am sure when we talk turkey on sunday night it wont be as polite as in mediation,

she did try to bring up the past saying how i wasnt interested in spending time with them and so forth and the mediator said well the past is the past and the father wants a future with his children so we will focus on the future.

I think if you go with the relative idea, the holiday the kids had in mind is not going to eventuate. They themselves are going to be on tenterhooks in case the relative relays back to mum they are having a good time. I don't think it will be comfortable for the kids let alone for you. How the hell can you be expected to bond naturally with your children if you have her relatives watching your every move.

I'd understand it if the kids were 4 years old and under, but yours are older. Absolute worst case scenario I'd agree to this...

The kids must go to you at your place. If the kids find it too unbearable, they can return home. I honestly think that is about the best she should be allowed to expect.

The thing I'd be concerned about in the kids mind is, if I don't return home, will mum think I have chosen sides and that I am now disloyal. She is already setting the scene to the kids that they are not safe with their own father.

I honestly hate these people who treat their kids like their own personal possessions. No wonder so many of them are screwed up after divorce.

ok i am about to give up on life!!!

my ex said the mediator was one sided and said that we wanted everything and she had to give us everything and that we said this and that when we didnt.

suddenly my eldest the one that wanted to move up here wants to legally change her name to her stepfathers and expects me to just sign away as if its nothing. then accuses me of being the worst father that never wanted to be in her life in the first place.

My other 2 want me to see them in thier environment first so that they can know me better but want to be in my life, but also would like to change their name later on.

What the hell am i suppose to do? why did i give my seed to that evil being and make my current wife miss out.

A question if anyone can answer this it would be great.

If i did ( which i am not even close to leaning towards ) but if i did sign away to allow my children apparently i got it wrong its all 3 want to change thier name.

if they did change thier name will i still be required to pay child support or is this considered the like the stepfather adopting them?

pikant, I had a feeling that your ex would work on the eldest one over time. Don't dispair though, keep plugging away at the kids, because I daresay they will come around again. They will have had their mother persistantly in their ear now scaring the life out of them and reinforcing that you don't care using anything she can.

I would not sign over your name either and no, it won't absolve you from paying CS. It is merely a name change, not a responsibility change.

The name change will mean that any future grandchildren etc will have the stepfathers name. I think it's a sad day to lose that sense of family belonging. Then there is the 'what if' the two seperate and then the kids have neither parents name.

She is obviously selling them on the idea, but I think they need to be aware of what the pitfalls are.

Let them make their own choice when they turn 18.

As for the access weekend, don't give up yet. The kids are probably just harrassed, worn out by the whole thing and just about ready to throw in the towel themselves to make things easy again.

Keep trying, if not successful this time she will be shown up to be the unreasonable cow she is and the courts will not see this as a good sign on her behalf. Stay in a hotel and pick the kids up if you need to at a location closeby, don't take the relative option (it's a rediculous one), who knows what the relatives are prepared to give statements on when this goes to court. I think the relative option supervising is potentially damaging.

Go down and spend the most amazing weekend with the kids. Tell them continuously how much you love them. They will come to realise the truth over time.

Don't give up. You will get their, but need to be persistant and dogmatic like your ex.

Sorry it looks like the holiday you planned is not going to happen, but I think this can be used as the diving block to set up a better contact routine in the future. Continue to fight and once the orders eventually make it through it should hopefully start to get better from there.

DO NOT RUN THIER MOTHER DOWN. Whatever you do, you have to remain neutral in regards to their mother, even when she is playing the nastiest game possible. Correct the untruths the kids here, ie: No, it is not true that I don't care and never have. I have tried to see you guys and have always loved you. One day you will understand why that was made impossible for me'. then leave it at that. Don't get into the responsible persons for not allowing that to happen.

Kids are far from stupid, but the thing is, they rarely hate one or the other parent (deep down in their hearts), so putting the other parent down just hurts them and puts them on the spot. They should never be in that position.

Well after a night of little sleep, I am adiment that i am not signing the name change,
my ex could have been tactful about it she said it was because of school that they need to do tax file numbers and when the oldest when to put it in they said its different to your birthname so we cant accept it. now apparently this happened about a month ago! now if that was truely the case then she would have contacted us earlier.
Then the oldest said she didnt want us to see her school reports, we asked why? she said cause she is failing. and we said we dont care if you are failing and it wont stop us from caring and loving you.

When my wife has worked enough time to get some holiday hours ( she has just returned to work 3 months ago after having 6 months off from having a cardiac arrest ) we will take a few days off and go down to bendigo and see the kids, well the ones that want to see us.

the 2 boys said they want to spend time with me, and i asked my ex if they will be punished by not being allowed to come up if my oldest daughter doesnt want to come up cause the boys said they have to do what the oldest wants to do. she said she cant see why they cant come up here, as long as we go down there first and spend time with the boys and let them show us around thier school and the activities that they do.

We have written letters to the boys, they have not replied yet, but boys are bad at writting, just wondering if i should write them another letter in an effort to get them more comfortable with me, but then i am stuck with things to write about cause we talk every sunday night.

Unfortunately events are following a path that is familiar.

There is no doubt the kids are being manipulated and mentally abused but there is little you can effectively do just yet, they are however seeing a little more of their mothers true colors.

Try to keep doing what you are doing and remember sending things through the mail for short persistent is good, it doesn't have to be a full on letter it could be perhaps a post card of the local area or something of interest with just a quick note.

Try to keep the same static pattern as before and aim for time with them without their mother.

The mother is panicking and has now resorted to use the eldest to determine what the younger do, there is little logic in this but they will see the eldest as a protector and as such it makes them even more vulnerable to manipulation by the mother.

I would not allow my daughters surname to be changed for any reason, that is her name and thats all there is to it, as it is their are three different surnames in the house anyway and if their that keen they can change theirs to hers it will have the same effect ( lol ).

Work with what you've got, establish contact then when you do go to court you have a relationship with the kids.
Remember this is not the kids doing they will be fully taken advantage of, sometimes the easiest path for them is to just give up, escape is very hard.

all best D4E

A agree with D4E in that you can't blame the kids and that it is sometimes easier for them just to give up. Don't necessarily take this as a true reflection of their inner most feelings though.

To have to live continuously with someone you are at loggerheads with over something is difficult, even for adults. Your daughter will be in that category and for the time being will have just jumped on board with her mother. Like D4E says, a little card here and there has the most amazing appeal to a little girl craving her fathers love and attention. Don't give up and just know that every little bit will help.

To be honest, the reasons for changing the name are rediculous. She is simply trying to push you even further out of their lives. The kids can still register a TFN under their normal name and run with whatever name they want to use for all other things.

Your kids may not realise it yet, but they would I believe regret that loss of identity later on. Your family name is a precious thing.

Maybe your letter could simply be, hey, I found a few photo's that you may be interested in or send them a copy of a photo you have of them and ask them etc. I know it was a great thing to know that my father had kept some wonderful photos of us from when we were younger and it actually brought back some sensational memories.

Even updates on your week, etc will be good for the kids in helping them to know you and feel very familiar with you.

Good luck. I really hope she gives in and allows the kids to visit with you. I'd push for it all the way and not give up on this. She may just give in. If she doesn't she will look very poor for sabotaging your attempts to get to know your kids.

ok last night my ex brought up all this other crap that we never even got to during the mediation saying that the medator was one sided and that she was treating my ex like dirt and that she showed the kids all the stuff that I apparently said during mediation. now i was not in the room when the mediator was talking to the B****. But today in the mail i got a letter from mediation with a run down on eerything that was talked about in mediation.

I am so tempted to send a copy to each of the kids to prove what was actually said during medation. but that would be lowering myself to her level.

my two boys play musical instruments, so i might go buy a magazine for thier respective instrument so that will be something to send them as a little thing. also they are both into bmx bike riding so that will be something.

not sure what to send the oldest (daughter) with everything that is going on.

I know that this is not her doing, since in march she was begging for me to go down and pick her up get her out of that hell hole. they have bought her love for now. it will only take time till she realizes that you cant always buy someones love or her mum is setting my daughter up for a bad start in life when she starts dating real men and expects them to buy her love.