Hi all

Have a question if a Grandparent is dieing of cancer and is progressively getting worse, when should a young child be stopped seeing them if at all.

I have watched my Step Father draw his last breath in hospital and watched my real father progressively die from a heart condition over a ten year period, to say this has left it's mark on me is an understatement.

Although it is life experiance and of course part of life to be in someones life till they die, but it is now getting to a stage where my daughter is beinmg affected.

I of course have my opinion but it is not my mother who is dieing, if it was my daughter would not be exposed to anything so traumatic as what she is forced to experiance, but this is a personal view.

Soooooo give it too me tell me what you think good or bad, right or wrong, agree or disagree it does not matter.
I need some input to rationalise

All the best D4E

I stopped seeing my pop and uncle once I was told they don't look like they did. I'd rather remember them as they were.

This was my choice as an adult.

It's only natural to be concerned about this issue, especially if you feel you have been adversely affected by your own experiences in the past.

Kids generally handle death better than adults although they do take their cues from those around them. Death is an inevitable part of life and people that are dying are often delighted to see children and spend time with them. I have tried to teach my children that death is nothing to be afraid of and if they have fears about sickness or dying they can talk to me about it.

I think a loving parent can sometimes project their own fears onto their child and it can be hard to be objective about such an emotional issue.

Generally I would not keep a child away from a sick or dying person, no matter how bad they looked. I presume the child loves the person and is loved in return. That is the most important factor of all. Being confronted by illness and death "for their own good" is just crazy, it depends on the age of the child and their relationship to the person concerned.

My children saw their grandfather when he was very ill and shortly after he died. They were 7, 5 and 3 at the time. I talked to them about death and reassured them there was nothing to be afraid of. They speak positively of the experience as they are adults now. Many of the adults around at the time did not cope as well as my children did.

Each child is an individual and will respond differently. Listen to them and watch their reactions. Reassure when necessary. It should be seen as a healthy thing and not something scary and to be avoided.

I wouldn't want my grandchildren being kept from me if I was dying. It would break my heart.

all the best

The event has now taken place.
My daughter handled things very well, considering she had no idea her Gran was dying.
Well thats not so true, I actually did very much what you suggested before the event but had to do it with out telling my daughter her gran was dying because her Mother insisted that it remain secret.
It's very difficult to talk in circles and have discussions and prep a 4 year old when her own Mother refuses to be part of the healing procees till after ther event.
Even after the event my daughter was used to comfort her Mother.

Her Gran also used specifically my daughter who has half brothers and sisters as a way of seeking comfort in this time although she had 8 grand children. It was a difficult time for my daughter. It would have been nice if her Mother and I had worked in unison to explain things and allow her to ask questions and de-brief so to speak.

It all ended up good and my daughter did a fantastic job of doing all that was ask of her, I am extremely proud of her and her gentle supportive nature.

We still have conversations about her Gran and I am as honest as decorum allows, I will alway's keep her memory of her Gran clean. Unless her Mother tells her story's from the past.
But thats just another hurdle.

P.S. I'm the same death is nothing to fear

Glad it all worked out in the end. Pity it couldn't have been a united effort with her mother but maybe that's the stuff of fairy tales anyway. Even married couples can't agree on some important issues like that one.

just keep on loving that child, they grow up much to fast these days. sounds like you are very proud of her and that's a great place to be.

my daughter's father hasn't seen her for thirteen years. (since she was a baby) His loss. your daughter is blessed to have a dad that cares so much about her.

all the best

I think I'm the blessed one, but as one of my favorite Brendan Fraser movies would say " George just lucky I guess"

I find it hard to believe that if a father has the ability of access to his children that he would not take it, to lose such a gift is tragic.
But in the same breath I can understand why Fathers lose the fight and give up because of wickedness imposed by some Mothers.
Although I have never contemplated giving up, there have been times where I thought I just couldn't go on.

Two sides of the coin, I'm glad that I'm in the middle

Happy to speak to you welcome aboard

Thanks for the welcome, it's appreciated.

I can only speculate why my ex never saw his four children. He took up with a woman who hated children so I guess that affected his motivation. I don't understand it myself. My children have had other male role models (family and friends) who have loved them through the years and I am thankful for that.

I have never been a vindictive person myself, and have no respect for women who put barriers in the way of a father's access. Women who lie and use their children in a nasty game of "pay back" need professional help and often so do their children.

I guess that's why I came to this web site. I empathize with loving fathers who are victim of this behaviour. Fathers deserve to see their children and be a vital part of their lives. (unless they have been proven to have seriously hurt the children in the past, and even then supervision should be acceptable.)

I am in an unusual situation in that my ex has made no attempts at contact for many years. He lived overseas and interstate for much of that time. He has always avoided paying child support as much as he is able, sometimes going to extraordinary lengths including criminal fraud.

I want to encourage all men in your situation to keep going, to have the courage and determination and tenacity to fight for time with your children if necessary. You have a vital and irreplaceable role to play and your children need you. No one can replace you. You deserve a fair go! Only you can make sure you get it.

I am glad you haven't given up.

You words of support I am sure will reach all who read this post.

I agree with you when you say the children suffer because they are used or forgotten.

Just before my X took my daughter away she offerd her to me full time. Although after the event ( hind sight ) I realise I should have accepted this as it would have made everything easier and my daughter would have intergrated much easier in a lot of way's.

But at the time my jaw dropped and I must have had a look of horror on my face because she began explaining her offer. I cut her short and told her that our daughter needed both of us in her life. I was appauled that she made the offer.

I tried to formulate a Parenting Plan but as oh so often all my attempts ended with a rushed last minute agreement that she dishonoured.

But after all that has been thrown at us myself and my daughter are well bonded and she is a lot wiser than me at times and undersatnds a lot more.

She has brothers and sisters who have suffered many things by the hand of their Mother and have a few problems, I tried hard to help them but the day before we seperation was the last day I have conversed with them and over the time my daughter has told me how much they hate me.

I guess the thing is I've alway's fought for my daughters right to see her Father, even at her age she knows her importants and because they couldn't break her bond too me her Motherside make sure she's is well attended, more attention goe's to her than any of her siblings or cousins have ever got.

Although I am sure your kids are well versed in all other aspect, how do they approach their fathers attitude ?

If this is too sensitive please only respond whith what makes you comfortable.

My step-kids all had PAS inflicted on them until their Father just stopped trying.
And they probably blame him for their feelings just as much as me.

I sometimes wonder about reconcilliation with them but only time will tell.

We are all delighted you kept on D4E , as your daughter would have missed a bloke who has 'hung' in there, as Chris often states!!
One of the grand parts of this forum, is the continual info. we learn of oneanother's life, their dhildren's lives and the changing diversity of the Post Subjects and Post Headings.

My elder son who is now an adult, is also interested in the assistance of the ' down-trodden and oppressed, as well as a my brother's son. I am hoping soon to encourage them each to persue areas of assisting. One has been through a torrid time of emotional abuse, the other is going to Uni. with difficulty, having depression/anxiety disorders. Through their going with the situations and being uphead and encouraged they both will make fine 'councellors' in empathy toward others, and have much of the knowledge to redirect folk to helpful sources , so they too can become well and go on assisting others.

They each have seen the death of others, though in differing circumstances , yet I held my young daughter back from attending her Grandmother's Funeral. I still regret that, and so does she. So others may learn from my lack of wisdom when much younger and less wise. There is not age limit to learning . It is somewhat difficult to place an absolute on children being with dying relatives, yet if they are closely bonded, in latter times they will value the experience. If very young, they too will benift , tho it may be painful for some time as they grieve........at least grieving beats feeling torn from those they hold dear.

Take care Colin S

I think that if I was more part of what was going on and could see the situation for myself I would have been quicker to evaluate and has less angst in making a decission.

What we all have to consider is that in some illnesses people can be effected in different ways, some have their mind slip and can become agressive and cantancorouse, they would not be in control of their facalties and may well abuse people who are close to them.

They may be in the situation where they have horrific injuries.

It is really hard making the right decission especially when you know how the other parent will react and how they will use it to feed of others sympathy.

Now the event is long passed I can speak in hind sight.

I relied mainly on what my daughter told me and how she expressed herself prior to this time, we have a good relationship and she is comfortable talking to me and I alway's use to ask how her visit went and what she did, I always encouraged her to give gran an extra cuudle because she wasn't feeling well and to spend time with her. So talking was easy as I didn't have to pry.
Her Mother painted a different picture of someone loosing her facalties becoming agresive and abusive. I went with my daughters view because she saw gran as patient and loving who she layed next to and played.
If my daughter had said gran hurt my feeling because she was not nice to me then my decission would have changed and would have been made to keep happier memory's but still allowed the funeral.

Colin I don't think it was a lack of wisdom, you made a decission at the time for the reasons you made it, you may have made a mistake in judgement but every parent does that.
I am sure that if your daughter went and on the way back or there was injured sevrely you would regreted letting her attend.
Things happen for a reason and sometimes we just don't know the reasons.

Take care.

And just remember even concerning Death we still want to protect our children and most of us makes decissions with them in the fore front of thought. There's no right and wrong just opinions or beliefs.