HI 4REAL,

May I say at the very outset, that I commend you for your continued sharing..with us on the Forum.

I so wish that others who would do similarly, and have the wisdom to speak, and continue to share their life, as you have indeed talked over a lengthly period of your challenges, your pain on the Forum,and let me say, we are priveliged to share with you in your life.

I have been re-reading your conversation from 3rd of Dec. on, and you have had your 'over the top' share of pain, misunderstood, contiually having to defend yourself, where no defence is needed.

From the beginning of your traumas, I am pleased,... no delighted that you were able to get a good nights sleep. Sleep can be so difficult, the brain often won't shut down.......best to get up and have a cuppa to break the thoughts. Yet from Dec, to now you are doing well in this area of your life.
Yep, WE STILL UNDERSTAND WHERE you are coming from, and will not be even tempted to stop listening.

You spoke of having no identity, a loss of community no church.....so by this I see that you once were often alone....and alone is pain in itself.

So in these areas, and also in the area of self esteem,
and doubting your worth, your value?

Well, as I red on, I know you and I have had similiar experiences with who we are now....Dads?? Yep! Always.....no-one

And as you replied to Lucy, you are not giving up
You are one amazing bloke...............and spike,
his comments, much in the same way....wishing more would reach out and have the bravery to respond, and share...and get support................sinking ships require, assistance.

Also, spike had some wise things to say to you, on July 23rd ,"They are still our children, NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE THAT, they are being with those they love and respect,..... you for not giving up."

Well I will leave off speaking for a while, to try to continue to sleep well, it does assist in your entire health, thoughts and actions, and gives you valued time with Family. None of us can do without sleep, or our Kids

Take good care Mate....Colin Spratt[/b]

Oh well...

Coming up for another day in court...procedual hearing, whatever that means.

I am near renting a house...an essential part of moving forward yet daunting as I still am not able to balance a budget withing my means. Rent will equal 30% of my income, CSA presently 20% so it leaves very little, and no money for set up costs...

I am having trouble working out how to recover anything from the family home, personal effects (papers, clothing) and essential living items, or knowing what I can or should ask for...(fridge, washing machine, general furniture?)

I have also applied for FTB for the night a week that I have the children, but I have no formal written agreement that this is an ongoing arrangement. This important though as it puts me into the system and may allow for the application of rent assistance and other benefits, and will be essential (every little bit helps) if I am to have the children more.

Ironically, CSA has assessed on last years income (or lack thereof) that my payments of almost $600 per month will drop to about $7 a week, resulting in an adversarial process with my wife no doubt...very weird.

My daughter's school did a father's day breakfast...I had to wake at 5am to get there and I think I scored a speeding ticket for my trouble...grrr

The whole "process" is taking it's toll but I struggle on. The whole thing is so disempowering and imbalanced it is staggering....

I am even having trouble working out practical things like a forward budget as there is no where that I can find typical expected ongoing expenses like gas, electricity, phone, water and the like. These type of things would be resonably easy to ascertain if I had access to previous payments in my own home, but alas I don't have any access to such information.

I keep getting turned down for financial advice...not living in the right area, not being in actual debt (I have saved all this time to eliminate it), etc. And these are so-called charities like Anglicare...hmmm

I am trying to tackle such issues it is somewhat empowering to face the reality of the situation and make some kind of plans...but the information and a realistic indication of what will happen next is so unpredictable....

Got a letter today suggesting three psychologists for a family report for the children's lawyer...even more "therapists have emerged on my wife's side (I think 9 now) and I seem to have no input or ability to restrict this or know what it is that they are suggesting. How can I agree to one of these three...they are just names to me, I have know idea who I should "select" form these. It seems that it is contentious to even ask!

So, the runaway train keeps on rolling, many a time I wish there were a way to jump off...I'm sure many have simply walked away. My children though have shown me that they want and need me, I only wish I could make the path for them clearer...but what can I do?

Anyway, thanks for your time and I hope that other's are finding a way through and have the strength to carry on...it's hard, so hard...but the torment must reach some equilibrium eventually...surely... 4real

Hey Mate,

I can empathise with you how the pressure comes once again, trying to put future events aside, to keep your mind on other things which all seem so trivial...at the moment.
For what it's worth 4realI'm speaking to you as if I am there with you, yet I feel frustrated that I cannot be there to contribute to a more practical assistance. But talking it out, and sharing is by far the most powerful thing we can do for ourselves.

"If you do your best, whatever is best will be the outcome!" Said somebody?? Though that is all you can do, just for now, and the future outcomes will become a reality, yet I'm not always that patient.I wish it all to be over, yet you and I both know, that our characters are continuing to be re-built. But it is still hard. I am the first to accept that now.

It seems that you are ellegible for rent assistance, so that will help.
Proceedural Hearings are those which "are a series of actions done, or appointed to be done in order to accomplish a just outcome for each party involved".
Another Poster may be able to add to this.

Small steps at a time for now, and a friend to help you think things thro is a needful fact at this time. As you are so emotionally involve, someone else can settle you down, to keep yourself looking after you is most important.I needed a friend to use his brain, as I was too worn out by it all.
Try not to make up the future in your mind, non of us can, plan small steps at a time. Good food, and sleep assist in your thought process.
We are listening Mate, You are not alone.

Colin S

Hi 4real

Take heart, the fact that you are persevering and seeking to find a reasonable outcome and rebuild your life at the same time shows immense courage and fortitude on your part, a true hero.

You said you have been given a list of 3 names and told to pick one to prepare the family report.

The only thing I can suggest, if the information is available is to ring and speak to / interview the people listed. You may be able to get a feel for where the person is coming from and be able to make an informed decision.

Thanks guys...

Got an email last night from my Lawyer suggesting that perhaps I shouldn't go to "minimise costs and anxiety"...hmmm...I asked a moth ago if I would need to attend and have now taken the day off without pay as I needed to appy a month in advance.

As for the family report writer, some other names have been put forward, but no information was forthcoming and I was given till noon today to reply...so too late now!

As for rent assistance, I can only apply for this type of thing if I am granted some degree of FTB...so hours in Centrelink today trying to arrange that. Without qualifying for FTB I am not recognised as a parent and am so not eligible for anything.

Anyway, the question is, should I go to the procedual hearing or not?

As for sleeping and eating, without getting some stability in accomodation and rushing all over town to get to the children for a little time here and there, this is getting to be a struggle. Once I am truely on my own however, it could be even worse!

I am applying for rental accomodation now but have no idea what I am going to do for furniture, and as for food...the budget looks like it will leave only about $100 a week for food...and then there is the question of how much utilities will cost.

It is heartbreaking as I work hard, and worked even harder to return to work and earn about $45k but after rent and CSA there is not much left at all. My only hope really is that sense somehow prevails and I have the children more and so limit the CSA, gain more in family tax benefit and other benefits...but then with the children around, the costs could esculate.

As for living costs, I am still in the dark, so planning to avoid crippling debt and being blacklisted for not paying rent will be crucial.

In the short term, my CSA payments are to be cut dramatically due to my lack of earnings last year, regardless of what I earn now. This will be a source of antagonism and reprisal I am sure, but it may be a means to regain some establishment costs (maybe a fridge...hmmm) while it is looked into. One would hope it could be a catalyst for some kind of negotiation, but that is probably wishful thinking.

Anyway, tough times, but all you can do is take little steps, hopefully in the right direction (wherever that might be). 4real

Oh yeah...any thoughts on rights to property like personal items...is my ex obliged to hand stuff over, or is it lost?

HI 4REAL,

Strike Mate,you are doing it tough,...but you are doing it!
And I liked the 'hmmmm' in regard to the Solicitors suggestion, I think you know the answer to that one.

Good food and ample sleep is essential right now......no I didn't say it was easy, yet it needs to be fairly high on your large aggenda.

I've read over you posts and replies since June, and it looks to me that you are making headway, and the best part is you are talking and thinking each thing through.

The Kids are an important part of your reason for 'fighting on',....... as for material things for your accomodation, keep a lookout for places such as St Vincent de Paul and Salvo's, second hand items turn up all over the place, and tell as many people near you what you need......there are people busting to assist......but stamp hard on any thought that the kids will get 'second
best', Mate........the items you need are generally in good order. My place is filled with such 'stuff', and in my spare moments, I paint them,(fridge, book case, beds ), good mattresses, or foam filled are great for the kids)table and chairs need to be reasonable.....but tell all who know you.
I found it difficult and a little,...... no a large amount demeaning, but my kids didn't mind.

So I congratulate you on your forward planning,....though when life is tuned upside down, it needs a great deal of guts and determination to think straight.
As for your personal effects, unless someone can give more sound advise, and as you are in touch with legal assistance, ask him/her, as they are yours......and perhaps half of the other items! Receive good council in this area, as 'nest builders' don't like their nest disturbed.
But, going about it through legal channels keeps your appearance as stable, even when waking in the morning, might be the pits!
Keep on sharing, and feel a real freedom to tell it how it is for you each day if you wish, we're listening, and if my ideas 'suck' tell, that also,... I'm, not going anywhere!
Because others stayed with me even when I wanted them to ........off!!!
With all you have to endure, 4real, you're doing ok.
Yet that's easy to type....I was confused and scared to 'death', demoralised and downtrodden, yet not defeated, only seemed like it for a time.
Take heart my Friend, small steps forward and a few steps back are to be expected.

kEEP ON SHARING AS YOU FEEL, AND TAKE FROM THIS WHAT IS HELPFUL, AND KEEP ON LOVING YOURSELF AND THOSE KIDS.

Colin S

Hey 4real

I was lucky enought to seperate a few personal items before seperation, thing that I had from when I was a tyke, but there were also many other items that as I would consider it " STOLEN " and after two years I still have not moved further down the track of recovery. I have ask for certain items to be returned and they have been, of course these have been of little use or no concern to her,other items such as original birth certificate and such well no chance and then items that she has packed up and can't be botherd looking for are also considerd lost and all my atempts to have them returned are just ignored, It does still urk me but I have got to the stage where now I just take it as collateral damage.
I haven't been to court yet and am trying to avoid that, butin saying that I do have a running list and aprox value of the items that have been withheld by her or lost or destroyed or even perhaps sold , who knows what has happened to them.
I do know someone who recoverd property from a home with the assistance of police but it was not a marriage dispute and I would suggest this in your case could have worse ramifacations. If you have written a letter requesting the items be returned and listing the items at least you have that as a record, even better if you have proof the items have been sold within the first year of seperation, I know this in my state is to be stated in the filing papers and will give an account of the items and value sold for.
I also suffer from the anxiety that comes from depression and sometimes might need day's if not weeks to understand information, I alway's try to keep heaps of water with me it does help, perhaps if your lawyer explains your situation it may also help, as far as not going in well how much do you trust your lawyer because lets face it if your not their he has your permition to do as he pleases the other thing to consider is how will the court view this ?????? If they are not informed why you are not there could they assume lack of interest.
I agree with what Colins said about people comming to your aid, I was fortunate to have kept the residence and a few electrical items that were mine before the relationship old T.V. old stereo that the speakers were vandalised, a queen size bed that she had slept in with the dog she had the affair with and of course the 2 off each eating utensil.
My mothers boyfriend loaned me a fridge and then I went garrage saleing for everything else when I had the money but along the way friend kept an eye out for other bits and peice that their friend or family were chucking out, I even got given an old washing machine that sorta worked with a few little twists and bangs. Sometimes you need to look a bit deeper to discover how lucky you are and once you see it things just seem to come to you and people see how joyed you are at the little things that they do for you and then they seem to do that little more.
I never thought things would change and I would have the black dog nibbling at my but forever but things do change and although the black dog is still here his teeth have some what worn down.
So hang in there and look each day for something that makes you luckier than the stiff next to you, the more you look the more you see.

4real & others,

This was a story on Today Tonight, basically a site whereby FREE goods are offered. It may help you, i myself have signed up to browse some time soon. I'll also post elsewhere too as it may be of use to us.

Only registered users can see links on this forum! Register or Login on forum!

Cheers,
paul

Still going...but still nothing...

Am just about to sign a loan for $4,000 to cover the costs of the childrens lawyer and the family reports...costs a fortune.

This is in addition to what the lawyer is taking out of the settlement yet nothing at all has been decided or even hinted at. There has never been any discussion of property settlement and the children are still her's by default.

The longer this situation goes on, the harder it will be for me to reverse it (custody)...

Anyway...I tried everything but no one will lend me the money any other way, so they have me over a barrel...runaway train never stops...

I also have to contend with the growing opinion that I just give her the house, etc and stop the expensive legal stuff. The lawyers will get it all so what's the point...

What is missing is that this is not about the property...it is about the children! If I am to be granted half custody, I will need the assets (or what is left of them). What are people suggesting, that I give her the children the property, everything I own and CSA till I am 59 that leaves me only $60 a week to eat!!??

I would dearly like to make it all go away...but it won't. Giving her the property won't stop the legal stuff...this is about custody and the lawyers will continue anyway.

I didn't involve the legal system, I am the respondant...I don't have the control, never did...and there is no laws to curtail what she is doing which essentially amounts to abuse, theft and torture (holding my children for ransom and to extract pain)!

And...there are no laws that will ultimately address that...

There are still times that I do feel like throwing in the towel...but there is no starting over and living a happy and fulfilled life with this ongoing...this is the end of the line...4real

Family Court

Hi Mate,

Once again you have the continuing challenges that patience, longsuffering and mental abuse takes its toll. But you keep on Mate, and as for anything, the house whatever, no they are not as important as the children, and you know that well. But now you need to not only know it, you need to beleive it, and I know you will. As giving away anything will not speed up the system to which we are each attatched.

And good Buddy, you are more likely to keep on being able to fight for the rights as the Dad you are with assets in hand.

She would just love to have it all, though women often want it all. Not all of them I am generalising at the moment.
Yet you know and beleive deep down, amongst your pain, and loss, that giving into her to speed the process up will do the opposite.
She will be well able to slow the entire process, from a place of total finantial hieghts!!! And you left in more misery.

Anyone who gives you that kind of advice, for a quick fix, knows nothing of the process, as I am enduring a court battle at the moment, different to yours, though as sressful, and I too Mate, wish I could wake up one morning to peace!!
If one word of this is encouragement than I stand beside you, in the long or the short of it.
And the Solicitors are a bread of their own, though better than the alternative.

So, keep on being as strong as you have been, the train is not out of control, it will pick up speed and eventually arrive at its destination. But I agree with you, the agony of waiting is draining. Draw your friends, and the guys here to uphold you and add to your strength. The Moderator of this Post has a lot of wisdom to bing to you.

Your Mate, and fellow traveller, Colin

G'day 4real,
You are a hero for a few reasons.
1. You continue the struggle against the odds (as do we all because of the system). Your kids are worth it and they will know in time what you went through.
2. You post your progress in here no matter how painful it is. (You have no way of knowing how many you have helped by doing so.) (Me for one)
3. You are showing us all that we can fight on by your example.

The cost of setting up a new home for yourself is partly deductible (25% soon to be 30%) from your CSA payments. The CSA doesn't advertise that tho.

I too intend to start a thread of my progress. Perhaps I can pay something back for the help I have received from this forum and perhaps I can help someone out there just by them knowing the story.

DC

I am sorry to report that as far as changes to the family court are concerned...

the circus is still being run by the same clowns...

Needless to say "I lost" with a ridiculous scedule that will provide for one night (fri) each week then changing to two nights (thurs, fri) fortnightly come june! Being school nights, the kids wont be with me very much at all, less than the weekend a fortnight routine in effect...

So for my young sone, 26 times a year is enough to be a father apparently...

Next month she will take off with the property no doubt and that will be the end of it I guess...

Perhaps then, after two years, something will be released from the house that I can have and to hold...but I doubt that too!

No time now to chat, but it has been a difficult time and I may need support to adjust to this...

Knowing that one day my children may know how much I tried and failed to be there for them is cold comfort I am afraid and gives me nothing to salve the grief and loss of it all.

As predicted, CSA has launched a reassesment case, related to another thread, so I'll be bankrupt too!

I wouldn't be able to feed the children anyway...justice has been served... 4real

Hey 4real

Not much I can say but that Sux

Will be here for you when you need it

Take care

D4E........................

G'day 4real,
Man that does sux. Where does "the best interest of the child" come into that???
I too am having to bang my head against the walls the courts keep building in front of me. I will keep going, surely, eventually they will take "the best interest of the child" into account too.
Yes it is cold confort to know (hope) that later the children will understand what happened. . It sux big time. Looking forward I can see the lost years, lost enjoyment, lost experiences and yes, lost love in those interviening years. At least you will get to see your son, and on a regular basis at that. I'de give my left one for 10 minutes with ?????, even just the once.
Bankrupt, I may be joining you there too. I'm already close to being emotionally bankrupt.

Removed by forum administration

At least it's not guilt keeping us awake at night.
Take care of yourself 4real.

DC

Well, 4REAL, There is some comfort in being onboard, and we grieve with those who grieve, and rejoice with those who rejoice.

WORDS are powerful Mate, and when directed to you I hope you find a little comfort amidst the shock and disappointment of the whole court proceedure.

It is of small value to say that you at least have some time with the kids, make it worth it for yourself and the kids, they need Dad, as there is no other name like 'Dad'. This indeed has been a long drawn out misadventure for you and the Kids, you will need to come to turms with your feeling, which ain't always easy, and plan the future when you feel more strength.

I do wish you well Mate, as we all do, and trust you can find a little peace in your thoughts, or....have a good rave on the forum, it always helps me to burn a keyboard out occassionaly