Hi... How many other step-mums out there are accused of abusing their step-child, made out to be the bad guy, told that their step-child is "terrified" of them and "stressed out" by them?
How many other step-mums have their husband's ex partner interfering in their lives, giving their husband's orders and dictating to them the terms of contact with their kids (in contravention of Court Orders)
How many other step-mums put up with their husbands not standing up to their ex's and meekly doing exactly what the ex tells them?
How many other step-mums put up with being badmouthed, insulted, critisised, lied about etc by their husband's ex and their husband does absolutely NOTHING to defend them?
I for one am fed up with it. I have been putting up with it for 12 years now and I am SICK OF IT.
If it was not against the law, I would seriously do some damge to her. She is driving me nuts.
Anyone else?

Hi

I know exactly where that anger is coming from. I have been dealing with the same kind of crap (there is no other word for it) from my husband's ex for at least 8 years now.

The hardest thing I found was not having the right to speak up for myself in court, not really feeling like I had been listened to, that she could claim anything she wanted and there was absolutely nothing that I could do about it. All the paperwork she filed was in my husband's name and so he was the one that had to into the courtroom and face the magistrate with her. I used to get angry that my side of the story wasn't told, but my husband told me that the magistrates never believed his ex anyway as she had no proof or evidence so he never got the chance to say much either. When it came to disciplining the kids for bad manners etc shown to me it was hard for him in the beginning because he had so little time with his kids anyway and we didn't want to spend to whole weekend telling them off for saying things that we knew were just put in their heads by their mother.

It has taken me a long time and a lot of counselling to realise that she can only ruin my life if I let her. She can say whatever she likes about me to anyone she wants to because I know that it is not likely that they will believe her. We have both learnt not to let her dictate to us how our time with the kids will go. We stick to the orders and if she doesn't (for whatever reason she sees fit) then we go to the courts and ask her to explain her contravention to a magistrate. She is quickly losing all credibility.

I know it is easy to say "don't let it affect you" but it is a lot harder to actually do it. We have a strategy now of only dealing with her bull@#$% when we are in the office (in front of the computer). We will read the latest letter demanding whatever it is she wants, discuss it together and figure out what we are going to do about it and then respond. We try not to discuss it at any other time (very hard to do sometimes). It has meant that we have taken back control of the situation (in our own home at least).

From what I have seen and dealt with over the past 8 years I know it can be hard for our husbands to try and deal with everything. There is the fear of losing contact with the kids if they cause to much trouble or feeling stuck between choosing who to make happy, us or the kids. I wouldn't ever want to be in that position.

My counsellor told me last week that my husband's ex must be a very sad person to try and make everyone else so miserable. When I looked at it that way I felt a bit better, because even though I have to put up with all the crap she tries, I am very happy with my husband and family and she knows it. That is what is making her miserable and that is her problem, not mine!!

Maybe you need to find some time to be alone with your husband(when there is no chance of interuption) and honestly discuss with him how you feel about the situation and try to find some strategy to deal with it.

Good luck with it all. Keep in touch and let me know how you are going. Don't hesitate to post on the forum again if it helps you to vent some of the frustration that has you wanting to scream. There is a section on the forum for "second wives/partners of dids" which also covers step-mums.

Take care and keep smiling

Elizabeth

???What do you mean that you had no right to defend yourself in Court or state your side of the story? Did no one tell you that you have the right to apply to intervene in the proceedings? You would then be included as a party to the proceedings and can cross examine your husband's ex on whatever she has said about you.
Even if you are not a party to the proceedings there is NOTHING stopping you from sitting in the Court room and listening to everything said. The only time you could not do this is at trial and you are required to give evidence. You would only be allowed in when you were required to give evidence in that instance.
If allegations have been made against you by your partners ex you MUST file an affidavit stating your side of the story. If you don't, whatever she is saying in her affidavit is regarded as having being admitted as truth. Your husband is not able to say in his affidavit that you did not do whatever it was she is saying UNLESS he personally witnessed the situation mentioned and even then, he can only state what he observed.
I am amazed that no one has told you this??? Did you not have legal advice???
I have always been fully involved in the Court matters and have prepared my husband's and my documentation. I have been accused of all sorts of crap over the last 7 years, but I have always been able to state my case and she has been exposed as a liar. I wish that I could say what I think of her to her face, but that would not really be in our best interests.

Yep, know this all first hand. Until dear old Mum found out, I got along great with the step kids. The moment Mum found out, she used me as a weapon in her war on keeping my husband completely under control.

One problem was that was when she asked for something for the kids, I went out and bought what she asked for rather than let him give her the cash. Then it was on for young and old as my partner, who at the time was living on $150 a week (from a full time job earning $1200) and still handing over cash, was actually paying for her motel bills when she went off with her latest for a dirty weekend. Put my foot in it there.

Naturally, I have paid for it ever since - the last 14 years - along with the child support I have been paying for the last 15 years. Ironically, I have never been pregnant. After all he's been through, he just does not want any more children. Haveing been through a lot of it with him, who am I to argue?

I am only a friend of a dad with children and we were companions and now just friends because yet again the x is doing the same thing use me as a weapon of war fare. Yes alot of the time to get my friend to do what she wants. telling him to Stay away from me, Telling the kids all the amazing lies about us. So the children will think he doesn't want them or doesn't love them or loves my children more than his own. I don't know but it seems that way. It is so wrong they are entitle to a life and the kids are entitled to be happy as well. And if they like the person in their fathers life then so be it. X's shouldn't have the right to change that relationship and I know they do and I know if affects your personal relationship with your husbands or friends Do they forget they will have a new relationship one day as well!!! But most of all they just want to make your life hell and his life hell. These x's will do anything to manipulate the man to doing everything they want them to do. And until the men stand up to them we ride the rollercoaster ride along with them. it is hard I think for the dads to stand up to the X's mainly because their X's use the kids as the bait if that is the word to use. But I am sure you all know what I mean. it is very hard for them and it takes along time for them to build the corrage to do so. What do you all think???? something I was told a long time ago "THEY DONT WANT THEM BUT THEY DONT WANT ANYONE ELSE TO HAVE THEM EITHER"

Please correct me if I am wrong

I feel for you all as well to be a step parent is very hard. and I can bet you are doing the best job you can under the circumstances. Hang in there!!! Her lies will come back and haunt her one day. Well we can only hope!!!!


Unimum

Mums in Distress (mids)

Hi unimum,

Has been a short time since we hear of how you are going yourself.
THE LAST POST WAS SADLY SO TRUE, YET THERE STILL REMAINS WOMEN LIKE ALL THOSE WHO HAVE WRITTEN ON THIS AND OTHER FORUM TOPICS .

It is a privalege to be amongst so many men and so many women , attempting, struggling, and often making small yet significant contributions to the ongoing welfare of the children.

Three cheers for the kids who bravely find a ballanced life, and are better off than if we each had done nothing.

My best thoughts to all, Col

Hi colin

I am doing alot better these days. I am focusing on my uni studies and my children. I am on prac at the moment so lots of work to do. My friend and I are getting along well and I will always be there for him. That is who I am. And the type of friend I am. Our friendship will weather the strom or should I say cyclone,, We will get there, i have applied for a transfer from where I live to help as I will help my childrens and my life get back to some type of norm.But we are all doing fine... This site is so good to understand so much and I can see how much it has helped my friend and It has helped me understand so much about what you guys are going through. And I support my friend as much as I can.. Thats what friends do.. And yes it is great to be amonst so many wounderful man and women on this site. :

Thank you

Unimum

Well unimum ! I've had a hectic of a ,......yet fruitful day, and it is 11:53pm , and your post has made my night....and waking in the morning will be brighter from hearing the tremendous effort you and your partner have put in,.....to be in the situation you are now. WELL DONE

IV'E NO DOUBT YOU WILL HAVE UPS AND DOWNS TO FACE AND GO THROUGH, YET THE PITS WAS THE HARDEST OF PLACES TO CLIMB OUT .


And I truly hope the sun keeps shining. You have no idea how very much we admire you women who join and give the forum a feminine touch .Good or not so good we are all here as friends learning to bear oneanother's burden's and rejoicing when you arerejoicing. The great thing about this Forum is no-one owns us, and we can all speak as needed, and so many come to talk with us , as we each meet an unfathomable mindbending task.

Thanks for sharing your good news......Oh! Happy Day! ok calm down or [i]you will be replaced ...........................

My Best to you Both, Col S

Hi colin

thanks for your positive thoughts. they are appreciated




unimum

CONGRATULATIONS FOR MOTHER'S DAY



A BIG HI TO ALL THE MUMS !



MOTHER WHEN SHE SAW ME FOR THE FIRST TIME..



You Know You're a Mom When...
In celebration of Mother's Day, here's a list of some of the funniest 'symptoms' of motherhood.

please note these word here-in were stollen from me ..prior me placing them here ! cs


1. You plan your day according to when Sesame Street is on.

2. You have signed a cheque with a crayon.

3. You find Goldfish crackers in the glove box of your car.

4. You wipe other kids' noses.

5. You have accidentally brushed your teeth with Desitin.

6. You have caught spit-up in your hand.

7. You leave for a date with your husband carrying a diaper bag instead of your purse.
8. You have memorized the entire lineup of Saturday morning cartoons.

9. You have finally paid for all of your groceries and are heading out of the
doors when you realize one of your kids has lost a shoe somewhere in the store.
10. You can recite Goodnight Moon and Green Eggs and Ham by heart.
11. You let your baby sit in his dirty diaper until Oprah is over.

12. You have shared a fifteen-minute conversation about your baby with a complete stranger at the grocery store.

13. You filled up your child's baby book before her first tooth appeared.
14. You silently curse people if they call during naptime.

15. You forgot your mother-in-law's first name because you now only refer to her as "Grandma."

16. You arrange your travel itinerary based on McDonald's Playland locations.

17. You are just as surprised when you sleep through the night as when your
child does.
18. You consider the person who invented the Sippy Cup a genius.

19. You see a mom from your child's playgroup at the mall and know her son's name but not hers.

20. You consider it a major triumph if you shower by noon.

21. You justify every excessive crying spell with teething.

22. You pick up the phone and call your mother when your baby rolls over for the first time.

23. You have kept your favorite babysitter a secret from other mothers in your playgroup.

24. You have your pediatrician's telephone number on speed-dial.
25. You own the entire Baby Einstein DVD collection.

26. You find yourself humming the "Rubber Duckie" song in the shower. (col's favourate!) : D


27. You have dressed your baby in whatever is on top of the clean laundry pile.

28. You cry at Johnson & Johnson commercial !!!


29. You have considered trading your whole life savings for just one good night of sleep.

30. You see your parents in a whole new light.

31. You consider parenting to be the best job in the world.

Please Mum's tell us a great story or joke..., as we wouldn't be here if it weren't for Mum's .......although 'they are working on it!!! bad

Ditto to that Col.
How often do we talk about how we've 'become the cause'
My first thought this morning was not about my wonderful wife, but all the beautiful mums I have met along the way that wont get to see their kids today. Followed closely by their kids.
Oh yes, I know I am not focussing on the kids primarily.
lets face it, that concept has been so badly manipulated that it will be one of the greatest social problems our children will face.
Kids need mums and dads in their lives so they can see what mums and dads are supposed to be like. It is one hell of a job and nothing on this earth is more important.
It is no less important for the mums and dads
History has proven that kids who don't grow up with a strong involved relationship with both parents, whether the parents are together or not, suffer emotionally for the rest of their lives.
While some parents have slightly better or different coping mechanisms, that is only a minority.
Society is spawning an ever increasing number of kids who have very little to no idea on how to relate to one of their parents and parents who have no idea how to relate to their kids. Any length of time apart does damage. Only once you've lived that, the warning signs become more obvious. There is a lot about the future to be concerned with.
I have no doubt that the mums who will see their kids today will have a great mothers day.
There is only one thing tougher than being a parent. That is being a parent who can't have a decent relationship with their children.
A very heart-felt happy mothers day to all the mums who for what ever reason wont get to see their kids today. I will be thinking of you.
I then think about the mothers who for their own selfish reasons are stopping their kids from having a relationship with the other parent. No happy mothers day wish for them because lets face it, they are not mothers in the true sense of the word.
Hang in there
Chris

Can't say enough about your words Chris.

I would have personally opted for the severd horses head but seeing as the day is about my child's mum things get done a little different.

Last week school started planning for MD by making little gift and treats.
My daughter asked if it would be alright if she bought her mum something, I agree as long as she's still going to make stuff at home for her before the eve of MD when she goes back for sleep so she can wake up a mums.

New shop in town has some wicked gothic fairies, I gotta admit were pretty cool, she settles on the one she wants, gets it for $5.00 off cause she's so thoughtful and cute and has a free little fairy for her from the lady who runs the shop. Wrapted she was, so much so that every day till Friday she's bragging about this cool fairy.
Friday night we get all the craft stuff out I fold cardboard into a card and she decorates it elaboratly then finishes it off by copying the words that I wrote which she told me.
Saturday comes and I promised to help her cook cookies to take back to her mums. Of course she couldn't decide on one thing so we did two, I wrapped them in fabric that we had and tied with ribbon to her approval ( off course ) and just to finish everything off we cut some fresh flowers out of the garden and made a bouque.

The time we spent together making everything and trying out the cookies and coconut icies was irreplaceable and the joy and wonder it brought to my daughter will be a memory for me.
Even if it's not reciprecated on Fathers day it doesn't realy matter because my daughter is learning how to care for both her parents.

Lets hope the turmoil of refusing contact on special day's soon becomes unfashionable.

You don't have to like the other parent, I know I certainly don't but you've gotta respect your kids.

I went shopping yesterday with the children to buy some mothers days gifts, flowers, chocs etc and my oldest made some rocky road for her also.

we formulated a plan that when mum arrived at the pick up point today that they would jump out of hiding and yell happy mothers day" and run up to her with the gifts, it all went well until ...

mum did not say anything, she just took the gifts and threw them into the back of her car and told the girls to get in, my oldest just looked at me as if to say "what is wrong", i know what was wrong and that is mum saw clealy that i had oprganised the girls for a surprise that she was not expecting at all or did not want.

i just said love you all and left, they were so confused.

You can't change people, you can only do your best.

Shame your kids had to suffer at the hands of their mother again Aussie, she has taken from them what should be their rights of passage of a mothers love.

The guilt is hers better luck next year, don't stop doing your best, it will pay off for the kids later in their lives.

Lets face it we try and pass on as many possitive things to the kids as we can that doesn't mean their other parent does the same.

Well done for your kinds thoughts, even though it went badly you have still achieved something for your kids.

Well done

Well Hi to col,spike, Aussie and D4E

You guys are amazing, and yes it is about the children and seeing the joy on there faces.. I agree whole heartedly to what all of you said...I could have said it better. Children deserve to spend time with both parents. No matter what one parent thinks about the other that should not come into it. But unfortunately it dose and that is ashame. but you can be proud that you have done the right thing and Aussie I feel for you but dont give up, you did what was right for you children and they would have had fun doing it with you too and that is what counts , Your X is the one that should be ashamed by treating the kids that way, because they will be wondering what they did wrong even though they did nothing and neither did you.. Keep up the good work and better luck next year.. As for me three of my childrens father died nearly 5 yrs ago to suicide and it is hard for them the other my oldest her father refuses to have anything to do with her, She has tried to contact him and spend time with him and he is not interested, it is a sad state of affairs.... He has a sound to another lady that he has 50% custody but he is a boy and is carrying on his name. Well that is his answer anyway but that still makes my daughter feel bad, Just becuase she is a female child shouldn't mean anything but apparently to him means she isnt important!!!.


Anyway you guys are doing a great job and yes I will be thinking of all those mothers as well that dont see there children today. becuase mine are my life they are very thing............


Mothers and Fathers are both important in our childrens lives !!!!! And it is our childrens right to spend time with both parents and love both parents.....

So to you gentlmen out there good on you and keep up the great work with your children.. You all diserve a pat on the back
For your strength to do the right thing for your kids and recogniseing that that time is irreplaceable that smile on their face...

unimum