Hi guys,

I am off to mediation this week.

I would like to say my ex has been breaching the court orders for most of the holiday periods this year. But this post would take a month of sundays to read If I give you the long version.

Basically I need the orders enforced. And most likely this will not end with mediation but will probably see a day in court.

I will attend mediation and be prepared to talk with my ex to come to some resolve as it is part of the process and something could be achieved?

The problem has been, that because she believes she can change the schedule when it suits her, she has virtually thrown the court orders out the window and believes she calls the shots and decides when contact is on and not on.


Thanks

ImaDAD

Post has been edited from original post.

I have since edited my posts in this thread. basically a little nervous as to what info I can place in public whilst a court proceeding is coming up. I have saved all of my original posts and thank those who have replied to me in this thread. If you are just looking now, it might be a little hard to follow..appologies.

Hey ImaDAD

I personally think that if there is abuse at change overs it's a good idea to find alternates to meeting arangements, I opted for public places at one stage, developed into school pickup's but then had to comprimise to drop off's and pick ups and my place due to daughters mother creating problems with seperation anxiety ( strange my girl only suffers this with her mum, go figure ).

I did prefer the school pick up and drop off but will also admit her mum is over the abisive stuff for now, so it's not too bad.

I think that your proposal for having the kids for the full two weeks is excellent, both your son and daughter are at the age they can adjust to this quite well.

Although I would suggest that there was never any need for her to breach the orders in the first place, the original orders seem very fair and concise, the fact that you are willing to comprimise is a very positive thing buy why reward her for breaching the orders in the first place ?.

Perhaps it may be better suited for the children if you had them for the first week of the holiday's everytime apart from Christmas, this way they would not be inconvienianced by their mother. You pick them up on the last day and return them on the Monday following to a neutral public point.

There are several approaches to mediation but I will say through my own personal experiance try not to be too eager to comprimise rather ask for more and then work to mediate and only agree if you feel this works for you and the kids.

It may also be better for your son at his age to have more contact rather than less more frequent through the year.
One week per holiday may be better for him because he see's you more often.

But again after sayinmg this kids do adjust to almost any senerio.

At this point I have 50/50 week about with a two week block in the Christmas holiday's and this seems to suit my 6 year old but as she tells me in conversation that is unprovoked, Mum does tell her what she's missing out on, and of course she gets presents every time she gets back to Mums.

Just some thoughts, let me know how you go at mediation though

Cheers D4E

Hi ImaDAD

The focus that you already have is the best path to the solution in cases like yours. How successful mediation will depend on a number of factors, if she turns up at all. The quality of the mediators can also be a big influence. Another important point is do not compromise too much. This is often seen as weaknes, and when taken in conjuction with the perception that mothers (theirs) are allowed to do whatever they please with no risk of consequences, our problems grow.

Localy, the Penrith FRC seems to be willing to support ther position of fathers who are both child focused and willing to compromise. They are showing that mum is not going to get all her own way.

If, as you suspect, court involverment will be needed, don't forget to ask for sanctions/consequenses. The court may not be willing to impose any if you do ask, but certainly won't if you don't ask. What you can do, and the will almost certainly order, especially if asked, is to order participation in a "Contact Orders Program". Both parent's attend, are taught the damage conflict and alienation does to their children, and it does leave recalcitrant parents in a tough position. Non attendance is seen as a measure of poor parenting. After attending, it is much harder for a parent to plead ignorance, and I suspect the courts will start to impose sanctions on parents that are brought back to court for cantraventions after being ordered to participate.


If you do ask for orders that each parent participate in the program, don't forget to ask that attendance/participation be reported to the court.

Hey ImaDAD

The more I read of your post's the more cmplexities evolve.
When your children come to you with bruises and cuts do you record them in any way ? taking them to a local doctor is a good way of recording their damage and their reactions, best I say forward that you have a meeting with the doctor and explain that you are concerned and need his support to best deal with what the children are saying to you.

You have also mentioned that the school apears to be aware of some of the problems and if this is true they may need some of the gray areas filled in that they may be unaware of, if you explain to them that it is here say and you do not know if it's emotion or truth, this may help them to undo some of the puzzle.

I am now going to change the subject totaly, my daughter has just come in and ask what I'm writting, I told her all sorts of stuff, she ask who to I told her aman named Ima, she knows I write letters to try and help people who are sometimes saddend by their situation, she replied " tell him to go get an icecream that'll be nice "
So ImaDAD go get an icream.

I have to go now but will post again soon I am being beckoned to play Bratz, I will post again soon

Hi ImaDAD

I get the impression that you intend to make the proposal to her during mediation. I would also suggest putting it in writing and posting it to her before mediation. If don't put "without prejudice" on the proposal, and mediation is not the 1st time you raise the proposal, you can tell the judge about your offer if the matter goes to court.

By the way, raisng the issue of abuse during mediation is a possible way of having it looked at. While the law says mediation is not reportable to court, child abuse is a exception, and further, the mediators are mandatory reporters, meaning the are required to report child abuse to DoCs. Also, there have been a number of cases where mediation note have been allowed into court, because abuse is one issue that directly effects the welfare of children.

I will have to add a little more thought into my proposal and also see if it is ready to show her. If there is no opportunity to discuss it or even make the offer to change orders, I will hold it back until the time seems better.

Thanks

ImaDAD

Hi again ImaDAD,

I was cut off from my step-children from point of seperation and it did hurt for quite some time, and at this time I have now cut myself off from them for self presivation ( not that they would know any different ).
I'm glad that there is no violence towards the kids though that would be difficult to deal with.

Next year when the program comes to town I intend to do the parenting course even though I consider myself the more stable parent I may pick up a few pointers to help deal with issues that may arise or I am battling at this point. Although away from a contact order program I know if I suggested to my X it may be beneficial to her, I would recieve a scathing attack telling me how much of a good parent she is and that her other 3 children are all fine. Hmmmmmm I guess we all see what we want but some are just blind to the damage done and riddled with guilt because they know what they have done without seeing it, then excuse it by attacking others including their children.

Some people just do not want peace in their lives they need someone to hate and blame as well as being percieved t be the victim. This can make finding a balance hard if not imposible you are well on the right track, but your not the problem are you.

All the time, patience and encouragement is going to make no difference to this woman, she has chose to close her mind and expressed she fears no threats. I would expect that she has just chose to hate.

I hope for the childrens sake that she can find her heart again, good luck

Lets hope for an appearance in mediation

D4E

Unfortunately, the natural next step where a parent is being unreasonable is court. The only other option is to let go. Often not a real option. Also unfortunately, the duration of the battle still relies on luck to a certain extent. Issues such as her willingness to compromise, the quality of the other parties solicitor. The quality of our own representation. I am hearing stories, both here, and with the men I work with directly, that some mothers are being told they have no choice but to actively participate in mediation. Once there, aggreement is reached, and it looks like they might be abided by. Again that depends on the other parties attitude.

On Friday the 15/12/06, the Family Court of Australia published an Appeal Judgement, which specifically interperets the new laws and how case law is to effect decisions in the light of the new laws.
the link is

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The judgement effectively says that "status Quo" is gone as a consideration for care arrangemnts in Interim Orders. It also addresses the issue of "equal. shared responsibility". Unless the presumption of "equal responsibility" is specifically rebutted, then the court must consider equal or substatial time. I also believe the judgement may reinforce the responsibility a parent has to encourage and facilitate the relationship a child has with the other parent.

While court is or can be a huge drain on resources, both emotional and financial. The expectation of a fairer outcome has improved if we keep our cool and focus on ther children's needs.

Went down to pick up my kids, she wouldn't give them to me. if it were me not returning them the whole world would be after me, but a mother like her can just say no, and so be it.

The tough part is to keep being persistant, I keep smiling but it is not easy.

Cheers,

ImaDAD

Post has been edited from original post.

Hey ImaDAD,

I had a simlar thing done 2 Christmases ago it's one of the hardest things to cope with, even though I meditated to form a mind set that I would just make Christmas when I saw my daughter, it was still exceptionally hard, add this to the fact that at the time the tsunami had hit overseas with images of children crying for their parents and not having seen my daughter for quite some time before. It's always the same you'll notice things around this time to remind you of what your missing but then when you think of the future things will change and the more of a supportive father you are and the more you try to play by the FLC rules the more they will side with you, where as she is slowly drawing a razor across her own throat by rejecting the childrens Father in their lives.
The bias in the system is obviouse but the more it starts to change the more of a social consionce will develope.

Persistance will be your friend in the end, being the best Dad you can is just part of who you are, hope you get to see the kids soon.
And your right it's not an agreement it's a demand when only one party is putting the proposition forward without willingness to comprimise.

Good luck D4E