Sorry for writing a novel but need to get it off my chest (sorry hard to find the words):
41 male & wife is 37, 2 kids 17 & 14. Wife walked out 1/2/07 and 18/2/07 was to be our 18th wedding anniversary. All seemed well but upon reflection alarm bells should have alerted me what was to come (it came out of the blue and shocked myself and the kids), her reasons were love is lost and no interests in common to talk about. She has moved into her mum's place down the street (1 min walk). We have agreed that she can come and go as she pleases, she visits almost every night and has had dinner with us. She allowed me to cook dinner for her and the kids on Valentines day and I took her and the kids out for the anniversary. I have dealt with the demons inside me and am comfortable with the situation at hand finally (very rocky for the first 2 weeks). I have had 2 private chats with the wife to attempt to rectify the situation but to no avail, she is not talking about it. Her whole family has rung me asking what is happening and all I can say is no idea, she has not confided with any of her family (mind you my bro-in-law had a boating accident last w/e - 1.5 weeks after she walked out, which didn't help but I can say he is now on the mend but doesn't know as yet). Her whole family have given me assurance that I am still part of their lives ( my parents have passed on).
My question is "is this a mid-life crisis"? She works in a bank and all I here is that the girls do this and do that. I have never stopped her going out as some of (most) functions were partners not allowed (I saw the flyers - relieves the doubt).

Apart from being happy with myself and giving her space, how do I get her to talk to me without making her feel guilty that she needs to come back or just talk to me (tonight I could see that she misses the company of the kids but I do not want to break the thin ice that is evident atm)?

Any advice greatly appreciated

Time maybe mate?

Suggest a counselling session if she wil agree to that but don't push the issue....otherwise, it may be a sign of the times......maybe she thinks the grass is greener on the 'other side'......

Don't give up, but remain positive & focussed for your kids & your own health & well being.

This is a curly one.

firslty do a google for 'separation essentials' it has some good advice.

Alot of damage can be done in the first 12 months and some of it can become almost irrepairable.

Warren Farrell has an interesting book titled "women cant hear what men don't say"

I support what goddards said, and would include that if she is not interested in counselling, that you start having counselling by yourself. Even if you do not feel the need to go yourself at present.

I know some guys leave it too late to go to counselling and sometimes the best thing is to leave her alone, even though it hurts like buggery.

The most important thing at present is to look after yourself.

If you are like me the reality does not hit until weeks or months down the track.

If she is unwilling to talk about it what can you do?

She may not feel like attending councilling but it is certainly worth an offer.

Whne my X left and I ask her why she replied " You know why " and that has been the last word said on her part about the seperation even though I have mentioned and ask since she has alway's refused to speak about it and it's been over 3 years now.

I agree with everyone who wrote because you just can't tell the future but be prepaired for anything and keep yourself in good health and your children loved.

Good luck with it all

I once said to a friend who asked exactly the same question "Go and court her again. Start from scratch". I was fairly young and nieve. Having said that, they enjoyed another 25 years of marriage until she was killed in a car accident.

I now know that often the response to an attempt at renewing the courtship results in a short sharp F**K OFF or worse.

So the only real practical idea I can think of is focus on friendship, if possible. At least the kids don't get caught in the middle. The rest may follow if it is meant to be.

Only time will tell, I have heard of a few cases where they couples have courted again, some work and some don't. That is great advice for a start though. It is possible that she has had enough. It is also possible that she just feels neglected whether she is or isn't and women wrote the book on giving out mixed messages. Be honest with yourself first then her. Think about her need to do this and respect it. Once you have worked out why you think she may be doing this, let her know what she means to you and ask her what she really wants.
These are tough times and don't always end badly. Most guys on this site are from the ones that ended badly. Take care of yourself first and good luck. I hope it all works out for you.

Hang in there
Chris

My X had an affair that I found out about after the seperation but suspected just 2 weeks before seperation. I still gave her the option to try to fix our relationship.
At the end a few days after she gave me the biggest emotional kicking and abuse that I will ever have I calmly ask her if there was any chance of us getting back together she imediatly answerd NO.

Although it's good to try and save a realationship if it still has legs it can also be a bad thing to relly on the relationship going forward.
As a defensive move because there are no others when you are not in control, I would suggest that you start thinking about what you are going to do with life with out her and what is best for you and the kids. If she wishes to discuss things with you have an open door policy.

You don't always get the answers to your questions. She is controlling the whole situation and leaving yourself and your children up in the air, she is the centre of attension. Maybee when she's not she may start to talk, maybee she'll just walk away from everything.

My point is you are not in control and are out on a limb.

I totally agree with everything that has been said in aspects that you are suffering because they all suit different situation with different people and different personalities and they could all be totally right.

She could be sitting back waiting for you to proove your undying love a test in this time of her confussion.

She could be looking at her friends lives and their freedom thinking of what she has missed out on so far.

She could be suffering from feeling she is not worthy of her family because they don't need her anymore.

She could be loathed with self pitty

But who knows ? she won't talk to anyone.

Do whats best for you and your kids, as you see fit and simply change as the enviroment does, same as you have done all your life.

Good Luck I hope that what you seek comes too you.
And please keep posting even if it's just to say hey I'm doing OK

All the best D4E

First thanks for all your replies and suggestions, goes to show support is there even if it whilst typing

An update of the w/e:

The niece stayed over Friday night (including her daughter), niece and my daughter chatted with me and played till the early hours of the morning (they decided they needed to leave messages everywhere - every monitor, mirror and TV had their names along with a love heart. Conversation of the issue was left out I just enjoyed them being themselves, have since cleaned most of their graffitti but not all as a reminder.

Sat: Awoke and cooked breakfast for all here, then they went to visit the wife as I went to cricket (my son and I play together for the local club). Came home briefly to drop son off as he wanted a shower and was committed to an online game with his mates. To my surprise my daughter was here on her own (she is old enough so wasn't worried about that) but did look upset. I asked what was wrong and she blurted out "I hate mum, she is a cow" so I treaded lightly to find out why, it was all over channel selection on the Foxtel remote and that the daughter made mentioned that I gutted and clean a part of the house (apparantly wife said "whatever" (never seen her lash out at her mum). Daughter then said she is going back to visit mum and family so i let her be. I went back to the club to be social but returned home after an hour just in case. Wife came over to get filtered water, we said our hello's and how the match went then she left but mentioned that she had a disagreement with the daughter but shrugged it off with the daughter is tired. Niece came over to say her goodbyes and asked me "does my wife talk about anything but work". Niece also cried to tell me that she asked the wife how she and kids are doing, wife's reply was "they coping really well" but the niece couldn't hold back and said her piece.

Sun: Had to do some work in the morning but was planning to take the kids out for the afternoon, this came crashing down when I was informed that the wife decided to take the daughter to the movies that night (what about our son??). Wife went to the gym with her work mates and sent daughter home. Daughter was dropped off after the movies and wife never came in.

Monday night: Came home to cook dinner b4 a meeting and wife came over as I did mention that there was a possibility that I may not get home to do it. We chatted as if there was nothing wrong and she spent 15 mins with the son in his bedroom and joined us for dinner.

Everything seems civil between wife and I but now my daughter is not feeling well since I got back from the meeting. Personally I think she has bottled alot up and the fact that when she is her mum's company at her nan's my daughter seems to go to the bathroom alot (observed by the niece and mother-in-law). I can't push it with the daughter as she tells me she doesn't want to talk about it but can see there is a new interest in me and where I go and what time I get home.

I am going well (got over the hard part and have learnt to turn things off _ I feel like a shower tap) and am happy to be here for the kids but hate the way the wife is neglecting the kids and her natural family but still comes here and chats as if nothing is wrong. I would like to confront the situation with the wife but then decide to sit back and wait for her to approach me.

Hope I am doing everything right (this is not the person that I and her family knows she was)????

HI PAL, AND WELCOME Wedgesready,

Well this is a real challenge to answer to, so I will suggest you do the same as you are doing for now, except with a small difference.
We men want to fix the broken bits of things with 5 minute Araldite. Don't even purchase the 24 hr Araldite...........It seems to me you both need to find common areas slowly in which to share enjoyable mutual time together. She has been a good wife it seems, she has been a good Mother it seems, you have been a good husband and Dad, yet there is more to life than the day in day out routine.

She is relating all she 'thinks' she needs with her girlfriends, yet your ongoing relationship needs verbally interesting input as well.
There is always the possibiliy she may need a Dr's check-up, but she won't thank you for suggesting it , believe your own thoughts on that. Perhaps if it is a problem, ask a close family member advise on this one.

In the mean time, see if boredom , and the 'taken for granted wife and mother issue "may need a little display of affection, cheek to cheek after working out her own needs. She may indeed feel trapped , and not see what she really has.

Keep us up to date................well perhaps date her as suggested. Take care Buddy, Col S

Of course your not doing everything right, who are you superman.

It's not about doing everything right and pleasing evrybody, it's about being there for those who need you and right now youre doing a great job, add the fact that you are moving forward in yourself with out the answers you were searching for sh!t pat yourself on the back.

I would like to say one thing though, your spider senses need to be tingling as far as your daughters visits to the toilet go, if she is a young lady ( teen ) confusiom and nerves can sometimes cause the onset of bulimia, not the old finger down the throat bizzo but more a nerviouse reaction, might pay to get some info just so your up to speed incase. I hope I'm wrong but better safe than sorry

Well done
D4E

Going out with work friends!

Sounds like a good old mid-life crisis. Trying to rediscover her youth. It is highly likely that it is being encoraged by her workfriends as well. It may be that to be part of the group, she has to party with the group. Which is probably causing her internal conflict because it is against her value system. It is quite common for Sole Parent women to encourage their married peers on how wonderfull it is to go out when you want and to be totaly independant

That her family visted you would have left her feeling isolated and on the outer from them.

It may also be that she has, or suspects she has a mediacal condition. Sometimes people react similarly because they do not wish to involve their family. (my money is on the first version).

All you can do is respond the way your gut and intelect tell you. just don't "react"

Good luck

Just an update,

Mon & tues wife came over and it was chatting as if nothing was wrong until she said bye and walked out. She joined us for dinner both nights as I asked if she would like some (habit now). Tues night I thought I would try to ask her out on Friday night for dinner and a movie - to my surprise she said yes. tonight I spoke to my daughter and she opened up a little (small steps mean more that anything) but in her views she sees that it is is being noticed by the wife (yet to be determined). The wife is swimming with her workmates tonight - farewell dinner tomorrow night (again all HER work related friends) all seems ok.

Friday night will be hard (going out with a friend rather than a wife atm).