My stepdaughter lives 6 hours away from us and my husb's mum said she'd pick her up to save us another long drive for the Easter holiday access. She was beside herself at pick up time and and she hates her dad and isn't going to come... threw the biggest tanty his mum has seen his mum asked why and she said cos dad makes me eat tomatoes and onions!
My husb tried to call her that night and she would not speak,at 3;30 AM I woke up and husb hadn't come to bed and I found him huddled on the recliner.
He tried to call again tonight and she said she wasnt coming, gave no reason why adn was quite cheeky, she asked her mum what do i tell him and she replied "whatever you want, you tell him whatever you want to tell him".

We don't know what to do, husb is a sub contractor and cant get any other time off and has no work this week as he kept it free for access. Ex has brainwashed daughter since age 3...eg: '"daddy kicked us out" and that they "
had to live in a tent cos they had no where to go"
What can we do...it is her 10th B'day on 17th also! HELP!

Hi supportingstepmum,

Sorry I can't offer any pearls of wisdom too make anything seem brighter, I don't know if you have looked at the threads or heading's under P.A.S. Parent Alienation Syndrome or H.A.P. Hostile Agressive Parenting.

It is disgusting that this can happen but also is oh too common.

Legal avenue is costly and drawn, Mediation works if neither party is obstinant.
there is also a possibility at ten the judge may choose not to force contact.

Others may have better too say and if they have I hope they post.

You may also get some benefit from the P.A.S. and H.A.P. threads.

Best of luck I hope your step daughter comes too her senses very soon.

Hi Supportingstepmum

I know what you are going through at the moment. My stepsons are 12 and 10 and have been trying that tantrum for the past couple of years. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. They have much the same reasons for not wanting to come to dad's house (don't like the food, don't like the beds, don't like me!) Their mum doesn't support contact taking place so she doesn't do anything to encourage the boys and sometimes goes the other way by giving them options that she knows they would prefer to do and telling the boys that they can dictate to their dad about what they want to do and where we will take them. When he tells them that we can't do everything (they live 2 hours away from us) their mum twists it to say we are the bad guys and if they didn't have to come to us they could do what they want.

We didn't get to see them on the last weekend of contact and really don't expect them to be here for the Easter holiday contact. My husband is supposed to pick them up on Friday night and I can see the same tantrum happening again. My husband has filed in court for the contravention on the last missed contact weekend and he is quite willing to do it again if they don't come again. He has tried mediating with their mum and them on a number of occasions, but unless all parties are willing to be reasonable and try to act reasonably then it is never going to work. Mediation can not be a one way street.

We have had contact orders in place for nearly 4 years now and I have lost count of the number of times my husband has been up till all hours trying to deal with his feelings over missing the boys. It never gets easier but we have come up with strategies for getting through it. We have another 4 children with us and when we miss out on contact with my stepsons we make the effort to get out for the weekend and make the most of it, create good memories. We still miss the boys (our kids really miss them) but filling the days up with other things helps.

Do you have contact orders in place? Have you tried mediation? There are things that you can do to try and prevent it from happening again and find out what is really going on with your stepdaughter.

It is really upsetting to see the man you love so upset and knowing that there is only so much that you can do to help. Just be there for him and encourage him to talk about how he is feeling, let him know that you will always be there to listen. Remember that you will be looking at the situation from a different angle to him and that you both may have different views and ideas on what should happen next. That happens with my husband and I all the time, but somehow we always end up finding a balance.

Good luck with it. Keep in touch and let us know what happens with the holidays. If you have any questions or just need to vent feel free to post again or even send me a private message if you would feel more comfortable doing that.

Keep smiling and take care.

Elizabeth

Hi, Yes these are really hard times. The courts do realise that these things happen but you have to establish that they are before the court will act.
This is not unlike my situation and many others that I have heard. The fact remains that ALL parties involved need to accept the situation for what it is and get on with their lives.
I have been told by numerous proffesionals that the type of behaviour that his ex and the child have been exhibiting are indicative of neithers ability to accept the situation and can have adverse affects on the childs long term development. Different counsellors, solicitors and even court officials have told me what the process is and that it must be followed to achieve the right outcome under the act . As many of them said, someone has to be the adult when these things are happening. Three counsellors/mediators have told me that there is little point to mediation with these women and It is nearly impossible to be both a parent and a friend to the children in these circumstances. It is impossible to be a parent and friend to any child when they are going astray, let alone when another adult is telling them it is ok to do so. If it was anyone other than these childrens mothers leading the kids astray in this way they would be locked up.
It is important to attempt mediation on at least a couple of occasions to establish if the other party is being unreasonable and very important to get a counsellor for the child to be able to speak to.
Court can be very daunting but it can also be very worthwhile. In some cases (like mine) it is all you can do. I hate it but I will continue to go back until someone (Magistrate, counsellor, mediator, solicitor. Note, ask the solicitor last, even a good one) other than my ex, her husband or anyone else who has only heard one side of the story, tells me to do otherwise.
Please note,Very Important....the best advice I have ever been given is to remember that nobody works on anything twenty four hours a day. Give yourselves time off from dealing with this.
Hang in there
Chris