Posted: Thu May 13, 2010 12:17 am Post subject: BPD Dealing with it?
What a wonderful resource these forums are!
I have just read the sticky on BPD and suddenly it was like, someone understands, my son has separated from his wife, they have one child and another on the way. For a number of months now we have been dealing with his ex and her Abuse/Tirades/Harassment and on and on.
We had held off taking any action because her pregnancy appeared to be a "High Stress Pregnancy"
It now turns out that the multitude of issues she had apparently suffered were nothing but lies.
Reading the sticky, was just like living with her, I lost count of the number of ticks she got in the Traits/Symptoms
We have and I say we as during the last few months I have supported my son, and he would like me to attend with him his first appointment with a solicitor to talk about mediation (something he has attempted elsewhere but she refuses to take part) .
Does anyone have any advise or hints as to how we deal with this from here?
The past few months has been a roller coaster of emotions, from her demands that he go to her place and see the child there, demands that he not leave the child with anyone including relatives, demand after demand. Now she has told him that after the birth of their new bub, she is moving away.
We are almost at our wits end with this girl, now I know what the problem is, how do we deal with it?
Joined: 18 Sep 2009 Posts: 94 Location: Brisbane West
Posted: Thu May 13, 2010 8:34 am Post subject:
My husband also has a bpd ex so I have an inkling into your situation. I also grew up with a mother who was either bpd, possibly even bi-polar, but never diagnosed. Growing up was stressful, and I think dad stayed to protect us kids, but that's another story.
If the mother is mentioning moving away, then your son needs to take immediate steps (NOW) to prevent it, or at least try. This will PROBABLY have to go to court for a decision, sorry. My husbands ex moved without "his permission", he didn't take the matter to court, and now she is strating to withhold access to the child as well. My husband only sees his child during school holidays. And his ex just refuses to go to mediation. She has now lodged with the court using a 60I (mediation) certificate that is 18 months old (ie it is out of date). Hopefully the judge will order mediation.
As for her demands, they are petty, and I would hope that they would be quashed by any right minded judge. Seeing the child in the mother's house is ludicrous and offers the child no real chance of a relationship witht the father.
Good luck with the solicitor appointment, and big hint, let your son do the talking. I know what we strong willed women can be like when protecting our men folk, (sorry guys).
Firsty I think thats why I joined the forums here - I can say my piece and ask questions as I told him once it reaches the solicitor I will feel much more comfortable, at the moment he is at the mercy of his his ex and to be honest it's doing his head, and my head in! (He is only 21) and I am his only support person. When the solicitor steps in I will take a well earned break.
Almost since day 1 we have kept copies of every text, message , email etc.
Armed with these - hopefully the solicitors will see thru any games she plays at the time.
I have just been doing some more reading on the disorder and have done a few online tests and each time the answer comes up the same.
Now I am trying to find out how to deal with it - how should we be reacting - there is a reason she acts this way - she is not just the [CENSORED] ex.
BTW strangely - all the females in her family are the same to varying degrees. She is the worst though.
Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Posts: 2045 Location: Western Australia
Posted: Thu May 13, 2010 1:57 pm Post subject:
A couple of questions Stressed-Gran.
Does his X have support mechanisms such as family and friends in the area she is thinking of moving to.
Has your son so far been complying with the demands.
Is she receiving any sort of medical support for any condition.
In many cases that become adversarial it is not unusual for the person being awkward and manipulative to have the support of family and friends telling them what they should demand.
With regards to the lawyer seeing what the problem is unfortunately it doesn't really matter it's what they can get across to the judge and there are many factors that the judge will use to sway in her direction. An enormous amount of concentration was paid to hear say evidence in my trial, even the judge admitted he believed most of it was fabricated, there were obvious signs that our child was being manipulated and aligned by her mother and half siblings which went against me because i was not the abuser. I believe even the lawyer my X had was surprised by the judges decision to allow relocation.
You need to debate every issue as to truth and relevance, show how much support your son has and try and confirm her support where she is living. Because there is a soon to be born infant involved there will be a strong care factor associated with the care of this child by the mother.
There is a balance between showing yourself as a good parent and showing the other parent as less adequate to cope whilst not denigrating them.
Make sure your son looks on things with a possibility of his X remaining in town but an acceptance she may be allowed to move and to make plans as to his intentions if relocation is allowed.
With out medical confirmation the disorder exists there is little probability high emphases will be placed on it but an acceptance that the behavior could be associated with pregnancy.
You could ask for a family report to be done but sometimes you get bias reporters and bias judges so it could be a good report with a judge who ignores its relevance, a bad report where the judge ignores it's relevance, a judge who ignores everything or if your really lucky a fair judge it's all a role of the dice.
best of luck with it all keep asking questions and finding thing out but keep an eye on the lawyer they can be pretty useless.
_________________ I never offer advice just options that might not have been seen.
Yes BPD is an eye opener once you discover it. I too ticked off every symptom with my ex. Absolutely amazed once I discovered it existed.
I think the most frustrating symptoms are: Projection (powerful when you see it in action) and the lifetime of denial, which means they will most likely never be treated for it unless the judge on the day recognises it and makes court orders for treatment, this is of course from information (as a father) you cannot submit in court to support your side.
I am forced to see my ex on occasion and she cannot say a word without projecting.
I hope you find a good 'family solicitor', make sure he/she is a fighter.
You can be successful, but the emotion and trivial matters.
Well done for supporting your son! Absolutely wonderful!
_________________ I am not a professional advisor or counsellour, just a loving father and victim of alienation, financial ruin and false accusations.
Likewise my husbands ex and my son's ex (children involved with both sets) both have Borderline Personality Disorder combined with Bipolar/Depression.
The ONLY way we've been able to cope with them is to marginalise contact with them in any way we can.
You will never change the fact they are the mother of the children born of those relationships, but you can control the damage they can do to you by limiting the forms of contact you have.
One of the first things is formalising Orders so that it makes it harder for them to play games by ransoming access to the kids.
Secondly limit greatly their ability to communicate with you in a damaging way. For us that meant changing phone numbers, email addresses and giving just one mobile number and one email address with a directive that communication is to be kept neutral and is to relate only to the children, that any abusive communication will be ignored until civil communication can be sent. That any urgent needs for communication are to be done first via text message and if deemed critical will be followed up.
We were also lucky enough to have a police sergeant instigate a DVO on our behalves, which increased our breathing space from one of them.
They're the kings/queens of manipulation and will send you mad having to deal with them. In my opinion they're one of the most toxic personality types I've ever had the displeasure of dealing with.
It's possible to move forward but I believe you can only do that once you have put in place measures to protect yourself from their poisonous personalities.
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