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What is your biggest fear?

 
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gabrielefink
Site Admin


Joined: 15 Nov 2005
Posts: 86
Location: Germany

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 6:10 pm    Post subject: What is your biggest fear? Reply with quote

Ending a love relationship results in fears of all kind.

- I'm afraid of change.
- I'm afraid of loosing my kids.
- I'm afraid of being a single parent.
- I'm afraid of being alone and living alone.
- I'm afraid about whom to talk to.
- I'm afraid of anger.
- I'm afraid of being out of control.
- I feel afraid I am becoming mentally ill.
- I don't know how to make the decisions I have to make.
- I'm fearful about money.
- I'm afraid of going to court.

What is your biggest fear?



Your children may be more scared than you.

- What's going to happen to me?
- Where will I live?
- Will I go with mommy, or with daddy?
- Daddy is leaving me; will mommy leave too?
- Do my parents still love me?

How do you help them overcoming their fears?
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Desertraptor



Joined: 05 Jan 2006
Posts: 254
Location: Middle of nowhere special and loving it

PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2006 8:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

My biggest fears

Rejection
Anger and feeling I can not control it
Loosing the plot (going mad)
Not being loved again or not being able to love again
Comparing new women I meet to my ex. Bad but difficult not to since I was spoilt (I think)
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Colin Spratt



Joined: 21 May 2006
Posts: 680
Location: coffs harbour

PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2006 10:25 am    Post subject: FEAR Reply with quote

Firstly, may I say a thanx for this important topic, it is of great value to all who thro extraordinary loss of family, or the childrens perceived future loss of another loved parent, enter the dreadful 'world' of excessive fear, even panic attacks.

For even tho fear can be healthy, in the avoidance of danger, those of us who have been traumatised by situations of sudden change, such as being deserted by the one we love, and may, at the same time take with them children we adore as well, understand that our coping ability, and mechanisms, may no longer function as they once did.

And this in itself is very confusing, as our minds cannot find an adiquate answer, and like a 'search program on a computer', our mind rushes to 'folder to file' to find an antidote to what has suddenly engulfed us , and the fear is so intense, that it can freeze the ability to function.

I found in such situations, that intense anger was a response to overwelming fear, as it seems did Dessertrapper.Anger has to come, and it is our hope that with the anger we do not hurt ourselves, or hurt ourselves once again by inflicting pain on others.

But we need to talk and express both the fear, and the anger, or it controls our life, to the state of not being able to find assistance , to ask for help when there seems to be no answer.

Dad's and Mum's in distress is built for this very occassion, before we end up needing pshyciatric , or phycological assistance, which may I quickly say , is ok when we need a'rest' from the trauma or added assistance to endure it. It is better than 'chocolate'at this point, and a much better answer than suicide, where our mind may take us as the only alternative.

I will stop at this point ,and return to FEAR FORUM soon. And again thank Gabriele for a needed addition to the Forum. My congratulations. I need it as well. I still have days of deep depression, and the fear of what else can I endure, yet you all assist as I read and hear from you all .

I have said over the years, that honesty is very powerful, as one seldom hears it these days, often folk hide behind the Assie "she'll be right mate" which is as good as burying your head in the gravel, to hell with the 'sand'!!!

My very best regards to all who write, enter and read the FORUM. colin spratt

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Desertraptor



Joined: 05 Jan 2006
Posts: 254
Location: Middle of nowhere special and loving it

PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2006 11:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Fear was all consuming for a long time for me.
I wanted so much that which was gone and it scared the hell out of me.
Laying awake at night thinking about her and who was doing what to her scared the hell out of me.
Fear of doing something very very wrong should me and the other guy/s come together.
I wanted to hurt any guy she's with. I connect these guys with the loss of my life as if they were the ones to take it away when in fact I know it was my fault but I always felt I could fix things and these guys interferred in my attempts. This is a strong belief even today. But I have come to terms with my feelings and control them.

This is the reason I moved 600km away from her.
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D4E



Joined: 05 Jan 2006
Posts: 2045
Location: Western Australia

PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2006 8:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have just past the two year mark by a few day's.
It seems like about ten and I have had to face all my fears that existed prior seperation.
A crash course in transending in and out of so many black pits that have lids fitted too my physci must look like a [CENSORED] dot table cloth.
I can't count the times I pulled myself out of one pit only to take a step and fall into another one.
I don't think the fear ever leaves it just seems to become numbed, the funny thing is that you end up sticking your head out of you little cave.
The thoughts that you resist for some kind of revenge, the only thing that kept me out of trouble was the refusal to give my daughters mother any excuse to stop contact with my daughter, at times your mind seems seperated from your soul but your soul still conected to your heart as you feel your soul baying at the full moon like a wolf torn in anquish and agony.
In my case the pain of seeing my then wife move from a marriage directly into a full blown relationship with someone who was suppose to be a friend of the family and moving my daughter away from me with this man nearly split me into a jeckel and hyde persona.
Moving from a family situation into a house that was purchased for our future all by myself, the house that my X screwed this bloke in, no furniture, no crockery, no appliances and sleeping on a leeking air bed.
Yet here I stand, trying to create a future for my daughter and maintain 50/50 care.
To achieve this it took the help of friends, councelors, doctors and forums like this.
I think the worse thing is one thing I don't fear is death itself although not suicidel, I just don't fear my time comming, maybe because I think compared to everything else over the last 2 years that I've lived through, death will be well I guess an anti-climax.
When it takes me it will be time.
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spike
Moderator


Joined: 16 Nov 2005
Posts: 241
Location: Port Stephens NSW

PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2006 10:25 pm    Post subject: Feel the fear and do it anyway Reply with quote

One of my favorite sayings from my younger (more crazy) days when I thought I was invincible. Difference was back in those days the things I was doing I probably wouldn't do again even though it was only my pride at stake most days.
Nowadays I still feel the fear and do it anyway, difference is that today there is so much more at stake than just my pride.

I read something recently about a long narrow beam being laid out upon the ground and someone offering you 100 dollars to walk along that beam. You'd do it in a heartbeat for 100 bucks wouldn't you.
Then you place that beam between two towers 500 metres up in the air. You would want more than 100 bucks to walk across that beam now wouldn't you.

Now imagine you're standing at the top of one of those towers looking across that beam and you see your child standing at the other end with their hands outstretched and crying for you to help them.

now you can start to get an idea of what it is like for dads in distress.....

Hang in there
Chris
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Top-Dad



Joined: 31 Dec 2005
Posts: 82
Location: Wollongong

PostPosted: Thu Jun 15, 2006 7:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I only have 1 fear, and that is my kids wont understand why i left, though as time passes i think they understand more and more with the stories they tell me when they are with there mother. At first i was scared about alot of things too not seeing my kids will they hate me etc etc all the NORMAL feelings we men go through. Now i am secure time has healed just knowing i am doing whats best for my kids has left me secure. The fact i gave my ex alot of money helped sure, if you have a bit of money it helps, but even though she is building a new house and it will be paid off she is very insecure with my partner and everything else. I might not be able to buy them as much as there mother but i can give them what she cant truth, love honesty, and unlike her i put them 1st, and guys dont worry kids are smart they will work it out, it may take a while maybe till there alot older, but just do whats best for them and when the time comes around and they can see what you did for them and what you went through, all that effort will be worth it.
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Colin Spratt



Joined: 21 May 2006
Posts: 680
Location: coffs harbour

PostPosted: Thu Jun 15, 2006 6:26 pm    Post subject: fear Reply with quote

Smile

Hey, topdad, and that's a great name for a guy who is looking for and living out the true riches of a loving concern and a great attitude toward your kids. Your generosity speaks heaps, tho I'm sure it isn't an easy path, honesty is so rarely spoken today, that it is so powerful when spoken and received.

Good to hear from you, I always try to think of myself sitting not in front of a screen, but right brside the person, along with my own reality of pain, and contentment and a little more joy as time goes on. A real downer for me today, depression is my 'hobby', yet it gets up and leaves when its ready, I don't fight against it, go with it, and potter at home, and put my mind onto better and more valued things. (sorry, just a bit of sharing myself!)All the best to you kids!

Best regards colin spratt, i'm taking care, and being adventuress! Well as best I can Wink

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stress_relief



Joined: 04 Dec 2005
Posts: 90
Location: innisfail

PostPosted: Sun Nov 19, 2006 8:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Is not seeing my kids again if lassies get her way and moves to Sydney and there is nothing I can do
All lassies has to offer me in return for her to go Sydney is she will pay my air fare once a year one way only

At the moment I see my kids every second weekend and half of the school holidays

As time goís on and closer that I get to the court date more the nerves play up and canít sleep .and just worry about seeing my kids

As there were stole for me for 9months late last year they were the saddest 9 months in my life and donít want to go down that path again

But only time will tell

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she got her ass kick and sent back "yes"
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Colin Spratt



Joined: 21 May 2006
Posts: 680
Location: coffs harbour

PostPosted: Sun Nov 19, 2006 9:49 pm    Post subject: Fear Reply with quote

Hi Mate,

One of the greatest and most humbling things, I have been priveleged to listen to, and admire the gutsy honesty of the Forum speakers!
You and others are assisting on the Forum in a way that I have not seen before,....not out in the open. To share without being ashamed to say " My Greatest Fear is....!"

The past traumas we are often encouraged to leave in the past.
Yet often those who tell us to write them down and then tear them up and put them in the W.P.B. THE ALL POWERFUL 'WASTE PAPER BASKET!'

Well, Stress-reliefthose who think we can do just that also believe in "Peter Pan", for the past fears call back, when the setting is 'just right', and we do not even invite them to be with us. The Fear just arrives,...for if we did not love our kids and value them and would even go as far as dying for them, I know I would for mine, then we would not fear their valuable relationship being removed from us! And many of us almost do die from what I call the 'Modern Stollen Generation', and whatever fancy name one wishes to put to it, 'IT' just rips the guts right out of us in slow motion, and feels like a slow heartwrenching death!

A famous writer once said "No-one ever told me that grief,..... felt so much like fear" C.S.Lewis.
And the intense fear that comes back to us Dads, is the fear of the agony of which we have already experienced, repeated again in a future time. The loss of our beloved kids,....even the thought of such a loss is almost too much to bare, and on the Forum we express the fears we have in open honesty, just hoping that someone will but take the time to listen,...to really listen, and try a little to grasp what it is to have this hanging over our heads.
Yes I too fear, and having someone say they do assists me to share openly and honestly.

I am not great at coming up with a 'pat' answer to fear, on how it can be easily removed, except to accept my fear, allow it to come and try to 'float' my way through it until my mind replaces it with other thoughts.eg. The great times I have had with my kids, and they with me, I think of the fact that others are like me, and not weak because they fear, and that I am not alone in my suffering, and Stress-relief , you are not alone either, for we are here, this is no hobby, and I for one stand beside you to say It is ok the fear, but hell it hurts.

This may be of no help, yet it may assist a little.

Mark Twain once said " I have been through many horrific experiences in my life,...some of which actually happened!"
Many of our most feared fears do not come to be, though we are still Wonderfully and yet Fearfully made.

Thank you for sharing Mate, and for the encouragement you have been and are to me and others.

Colin

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kermit



Joined: 23 Mar 2009
Posts: 46

PostPosted: Sun Aug 23, 2009 6:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My fear is that our child is going to be on drugs
My fear is that our child is going to treat his wife the same way he saw his father treat me .
my fear is his safety when he is with his dad.
fear he would love his step mum more than me.
fear getting hurt and deal with all the custody again
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Newlife72



Joined: 27 Dec 2009
Posts: 8
Location: Geelong

PostPosted: Sun Dec 27, 2009 10:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I fear that I will do/say something that my kids mother will not like and avenge me for it.
I fear she will move interstate
I fear my kids will be brainwashed into thinking I'm an arsehole (because she thinks I am)
I fear what is going to be in my future
I fear doing the wrong thing by anyone around me
I fear going to the shop and seeing any of her family or friends

I fear the unknown, that is.......whats tomorrow going to do to me?
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All4kids



Joined: 21 Feb 2012
Posts: 6

PostPosted: Wed Feb 22, 2012 1:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I suppose most of my fears are selfish and self centered and arise from my ego and pride and I pray daily that these defects be removed.

I fear being forgotten by my children
I fear being replaced by another man
I fear losing my place, position and influence
I fear losing the admiration and respect of my kids
i fear that under my ex's sole influence my kids won't know what is true

My greatest fear is my kids growing up thinking & believing they weren't loved and wanted by their dad!
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