If you’re a man facing separation and divorce, the way you respond to the crisis can make a big difference to your health.

It's been 20 years since Michael and his wife divorced, but he can still recall precisely what it felt like. "I was shattered, and felt a failure," he says. "There were times when the whole experience rips your guts out."

He was working as a criminal lawyer at the time, and he remembers well how raw feelings would sometimes threaten to spill over into his working life. "I was very emotional," he says. "There were times when I was making a plea on behalf of some prisoner and I'd find myself having to hold back the tears."

His experience may ring bells for a growing number of Australian men. In 2004, the Australian Bureau of Statistics recorded 52,747 divorces-an increase of more than 20 per cent from 1984.

A closer look at those statistics reveals that 41 per cent of applications for divorce were lodged by women. Another 28 per cent were the result of joint applications, leaving men as the initiators in 31 per cent of cases.

As those numbers might suggest, separation comes as a shock for a good proportion of men. the nationwid"Most guys don't see it coming," says Tony Miller, founder of the support network Dads in Distress. "They don't see the signs and when it happens they walk around like stunned mullets."

To dull the shock and pain, some turn to alcohol and drugs, or they can become violent. These behaviours in turn can start a further downward spiral of difficulties. Depression and suicide are not uncommon outcomes.



A better deal for men
The good news is that there are now much better resources and services for men facing a relationship crisis and its knock-on effects than in the past.

Bill Hewlett, a counsellor from Relationships Australia, says counselling organisations have previously tended to approach the issue of divorce from a female perspective.

"Men find that the only processes they're offered to deal with [the fallout from separation] are ones that are alien to them – to sit down and have a chat over a cup of tea."

But things have changed for the better.[/b] "Separated men should take the risk with organisations that they suspect will be unsympathetic because they might turn out to be more sympathetic than they think," he says.

This is important because part of the problem for men coming to terms with a marriage breakdown is that they tend to clamp down on their emotions rather than talking them through with friends and family as women might.

"Men in Australia are raised to shoulder things and soldier on, not to go weeping and wailing to others," he says. "Men can often be seen as indifferent to suffering, but I think it's actually a case of them trying to minimise the problem and make things better."

This sense of isolation can be deepened by the fact that men often lack the supportive networks that women rely on, says Hewlett. After divorce, some men find themselves excluded from friendships and social groups that had been initiated by their partners in the first place.

"A man's sense of identity, for better or worse, is defined by his wife, children, work ...... .local community and work," adds Michael Green, who has written a book Fathers After Divorce and co-authored Shared Parenting, which shows how parenting after separation can work


DEALING WITH THE BASICS

"The big problem is the question of identity. One day you're in the family culture, so to speak, and the next you're out." Without that framework, he says, men find themselves not knowing where to turn.

One key difference between the challenges facing men and women after divorce is the fact that men tend to be less well equipped with domestic survival skills.

"When I left home, I could hardly boil water," remembers Michael Green. "But my mother handed me a Commonsense Cookbook and told me to do something about it – and I did."

Others are not so lucky. Over the years, Green has talked to numerous divorced men who "come home, have a beer and a counter-meal for dinner, don't have the energy to exercise and end up living in a grotty share situation."

His observations seem to be supported by medical research. For example, in a recent study of nearly 39,000 men, researchers from Harvard School of Public Health, Boston, USA, showed that divorced men eat significantly fewer vegetables, and tend to smoke and drink more than married men.

Research shows your ability to cope with trauma is greatly enhanced if your energy stores are maximised by a good diet, regular exercise and nourishing sleep. A good general practitioner can be invaluable in getting support with these issues. GP's can be found through friend's and relatives, and they, can assist in you going the first time.


Turning around bad habits takes time, but exercise in particular is a good place to start. Even as little as a brisk half-hour walk a day can promote the release of chemicals that relieve stress and help you sleep better. Making the decision to start exercising also makes you feel empowered rather than a helpless victim. And there's nothing like an improved appearance through weight loss and better muscle tone to combat feelings of rejection.





Dads and their kids

But recharging yourself physically is only one aspect of taking control of your recovery. Experts stress there's much to be gained from seeking psychological support from others.

Relationships Australia's Bill Hewlett says men who come to counselling these days "get a lot out of it". One technique that men find particularly valuable is called child-inclusive practice, he adds. This process involves getting the input of children and using it as another means of helping separating parents to resolve conflict. "We've noticed that dad's have responded very well to hearing ... from their kids," he says.

In the middle of the crisis his marriage breakdown caused, Tony Miller found he had nowhere to turn. So he decided to create his own forum, and put an ad in the local paper.

Not long after, he and a group of other men sat out on the veranda of Miller's house in Coffs Harbour and began talking about their experiences and feelings.

In particular, they spoke about the loss they felt in being separated from their children. A large proportion of divorces in Australia involve kids, and many of the men who have been through the family courts feel the system has been weighted against them gaining access to their children.

In the six years since then, that meeting has grown into Dads In Distress, a support network with 45 groups across Australia that see 400-500 men participating on a weekly basis.

"A lot of guys refer to our meetings as a pub with no beer – you get to talk about how you're feeling and still remember it in the morning," he says. "Everybody in that meeting has been through it. It's okay to come and talk about how you feel. It's okay to cry, there's nothing wrong with that."

It's also important for men to acknowledge that their relationship with their kids has changed, notes Michael Green. Divorced men need to "come to terms with the fact that it has changed and get through the anger and hurt."

Seeking help is vitally important, he says. "The men that make the real advances are ones who get themselves into a program. It helps them realise they're not alone in this position."




Getting help
Mensline
Telephone support service. Dial 1300 78 99 78 (24 hours, seven days)
Lifeline
Telephone support service. Dial 13 11 44 (24 hours, seven days). Also offers face-to-face counselling.
Dads in Distress
Support group for men facing separation and divorce

Relationships Australia
Offers face-to-face and online counselling, education courses, a bookshop and lots of web-based information.


Family Relationships Online
A Federal Government sponsored relationship education website








More info
ABC Links
Mental health - Health Library A-Z
Exercise and fitness - Health Library A-Z
Diet - Health Library A - Z
How to find a GP - Health Matters Consumer Guide
Allied health - Health Matters Consumer Guide
Information about how to find a psychologist

And speaking anytime on any part of this Forum does a great deal to talk out , share and have friends come to speak with you as well.


DIDS Inc.