What do you do when your xW forbids your girlfriend/partner from collecting the child if you are unable to (work)? This is assuming your partner already knows the child well and has a good relationship with them.

Hi Bella

Welcome aboard, you've been a busy girl and thats good to see, you've touched on a lot of area's in your posts and they cover a lot of the area's that are vindictified ( if thats a word ).

Many weapons are used against parents by the X partner and many are stepped up by an insecure parent to make it easier I'll refer to " mothers " as this is the one in your case causing all the trouble.

The question here in this post is quite simply nothing. Unless there are court orders to say different.

You will have already noticed attack points that get used to control your partners life. Many Men feels helpless against these points because they are scared of loosing contact with their kids and so give in, better option.
Now this will work until they start getting on their feet and have suppport whilst regaining their strength, but if they partner before this point these weapons can destroy the new relationship, the new patner can not understand why he won't stand up for himself against this peice of $hit that keeps hurting him and he can not understand why she can't see how important his kids are and how he has to sacrifice.

The truth is in the middle somewhere.

The mothers refusal to let you pick the kids up is simply an excuse to re-establish her control and to put you in your place, your partner is inconvienanced, you get irratated because you are now part of their lives and his X just basks in the contentment of disoloutional power that the system supports.

Best idea is to let it go and concentrate on other area's if you take it to heart it will fester till the kids are effected and if your partner complains that it's not fair to you simply let him know it's OK we'll just ignor it and have some extra fun when the kids arrive.

Like it or not most of us have had to bite several bullets while working through seperations and the tools that are used against us and many of us have had Parent Allienation used against us by women who suffer variouse forms of mental problem who usually put themselves before the children and who willingly use the children as tools effect the fathers life as much as possible.

Until recognised orders or agreement is in place in written form the power will be with the parent who has most residency how to stop this is to have documents set in place. This effectively removes the power struggle and once they know action can be taken most will back away. In saying this some will be a totaly irresponsible selfish parent and drag things through the court system sighting all manner of lies and deciet to achieve their goal which is to destroy the other parent.

Hope this helps a little in the frustrating bias situation that your in.

D4E

Thanks for your reply.

What you suggest is exactly what I suggested to my guy. Just let it slide - it is not about me, and I don't take it that way. It is about her trying to control him. Just like when the CS payments were reduced she issued a new set of demands to him. As I told him, it's about a battle of power and control.

She is a very good mother and I hope her sense of doing the right thing by the child will prevail.

So he will start recording not just when he does not collect the child, (which I stress has NEVER been a problem before) but the extra days he takes to make up for it, as well as the money he spends on the child when he has the weekend visits.

I don't feel that this undermines my relationship with my guy - I predicted she would do this and it was my guy who thought she would not. Obviously women understand women better than men, even if they were married to them for a long time

I have done a lot of reading up on this. I'll just continue being the person I am and keep up the good relationship with his kids. The mother puts things in nasty emails to my guy, so I tell him to keep them all for a time when they might be needed.

Your a smart cookie Bella and you can see many things, your man is lucky to have an understanding soul.

You are doing your best but that doesn't mean it's not frustrating for you to watch it just means it's hard to watch someone you love in pain.

I'm familiar with the disapointment thats felt when true colours are shown, sometimes it just needs to become accepting of a situation before things settle down, in the kids mothers eye's she is justified in her worry about handing the kids over to you, deep down she knows it's the fear that the kids will enjoy the company of Dad and his girlfriend more than mum's.

It would be well advised as you say to keep and record those emails as well as starting a diary with events, phone calls ect.
If for nothing else just to put thought to paper, this can be a great way of reducing tension.

Being a good mother does not mean that she has nothing left to learn and as there are no bench marks as to what a good mother is this is open to speculation.

I always thought my X was a good mother because she told me she was and I had little compare too. I found out that she was not as good as what she said she was nor was I. I have since improved into the father I could have been.
To explain a little I use to have three step-children and parented them to her specifications, I followeed the same line when my daughter was born but at seperation lost my step-kids and learned to be the father I had potential to be with out the restrictions of meeting someones expectations if you get me.

I hope it all blows over soon for him and may I say it's nice to have an open mind onboard.

Excellent stratergy Bella keeping the original email's, and also keep a record of visitation, disallowed visitation, by your friend. Sounds like he has chosen , or you both have chosen each other well. As conflict may essculate as time moves on. I do sincerly hope not.

You have a well balance view of the situation , she has , and needs a reasonable amount of control , as she is a mum , and her nest needs protection. Yet not abuse from that same nest. I would seem if she could drive him away , and you , then all would be well, yet this is not the case, as the children will always want their real DAD. And the more he can relate to them as a real DAD the better for them.

Perhaps the mother my need reassurance that you both together are being sensible about her part as the mother, now she needs to be encouraged to do similarly. And if not, then you may find there is a need to seek legal advice, especially as I noted fro another of your posts, the X was approaching or threatened to approach the CSA .

My best to each of you
Colin S P.S. D4E i'M OK WITH VINDICTIFIED 'they 'just haven't thought it up yet !!!!!

Thanks Col you never know it might take off and I could be famous

D4E FAMOUSATIVETY is yours already ,in many peoples hearts . You will never know how many people you and others touch , with language spoken from truth and true empathy.
I've written your word on my word list. As after my breakdown , I could not speak , nor spell even the words mother or father. Having spent years learning to write again, I fell in love with words and language , and every word I cannot spell , I add it to my list, find the spelling , and at times show my human-ness of poor spelling, which is ok.

Have thought of a name for your Dictionary. 'Wordaddictionivity" by D4E ESSENTIAL CONDENCED VERSION 2007.

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Col