My first post, here goes. Been Married, had child, her friends and family got so bad that I was pushed out, (or would have ended in pine box), got separated, life settled down fought for access, got access. Reached mutual understanding, (still love her). Encouraged her to further her education, tutor her, often till late at night after my work day. Get to see my son more too!!! 6 years have passed by now, she asks for divorce. Oh boy way outside my comfort zone!!! Can't stop it so go along with it while internally screaming. Help with her expenses over and above my child support liability. Visit tonight and am accused of telling my son that she is a bitch and mummy bashing. I have never done that and will never. Sit in front of computer crying while posting this. Go to jail and you get a second chance, marry the wrong woman and you are tainted forever, it never ends and I am sick of it! I try to be honourable and do the right thing and it is thrown in my face. Will I ever have another relationship? Hell no, you think I'm crazy! I will never trust another woman>

Hey numb,

I can't imagine how it feels to be so close and still have an intense love that has been deep seated in you for so a long time. I assume that for her it was just a way to further herself with your assistance or were you led on ????.

One thing to remember is that any excuse is a good excuse and what she has accused you of may well be just a way to seperate herself from you because she is ready to spread her wings, It's quite possible that this in her eyes it is not personal.

If you could share with us a little more about how you are dealing and what has happened we can talk about it, a problem shared and all that.

Just remember that your not alone.

Take care and make sure you phone someone if you need urgent help anyone.

To fill you in briefly, we were introduced by a friend of mine, (her cousin), Janine had been married once before and seemed to be a nice girl, copping a hard time. Sound of hoof beats and in I gallop as her knight in shining armour, thought I could make a difference, things developed and I asked her to marry me, we moved in together and she suggested we start a family, we did and as soon as she fell pregnant I was surplus to requirements. Got married on the 4Th. December 1999. Rumours and innuendo spread by her friends and family led to me being accused of having an affair, which I was not! Rather I was working long hours to build our nest egg. She wanted for nothing. Managed to hang on until our son was born 27Th may 2000, and was present at the birth, MAGIC. Her mother even had a key to our unit and would check up on me while Janine was in hospital having given birth. Why did you wash those sheets? Did you have sex with some one? By this time I had dropped from 125Kg to 90Kg in less than 4 months and basically did not give a f_ _ k about life or myself. Was not allowed to feed, bath or change my son. Had argument on the 2Nd. July 2000, a Sunday. Thought I had her straightened out and was woken up at 5 am on the 3rd for her to get stuck into me again, 6 6:30 i decide i've had it. Go to work, leave early hire removal van go "home" and tell her that she needs to decide what she wants and that I will move out while she decides and to let me know how much money she needs and that all her bills will be paid. Tuesday, locks are changed and child support case started against me. I DID NOT DESERT!!! 2 months later I gain access to see my son, picked up at her parents residence, I'll agree to anything just let me see my son! She asked me back around december 2000, I went back, kicked out with her dear mothers assistance 2 days later. Still I believed that leftover baggage from her first marriage and a controlling mother were to blame.
3-4 years passed with little event other that a row with child protection over a bruise on our son's arm that I had never seen, but seemed to be associated with although they would not come right out and say it. She seemed a little more approachable by this stage and we were able to talk about our son, she had moved by thid stage and was being stood over by her neighbours r.e. a boundary fence, I stepped in and helped her and we got talking more, suggested that she use the time at home while looking after our son to further her education, she did this and as mentioned I often tutored her and offered whatever assistance I could, (bought computer, paid internet access bills, bought Dvd surround sound system, performed home and car maintenance tasks etc). Deluded myself that I was happy. Last May 2006 she asked for a divorce, can't stop those suckers. Got divorced, still providing help. To her credit, she has not gone for mass property settlement, (still a couple of months to go before I am totally safe though).
Access not marvellous, one 8 hour day a week and the very occasional overnight stay plus when I call in to tutor or proof read school work, propably could get more, but don't want to put my son through court procedure, so it's easier to eat the s_ _ t sandwich. better than some get though.
Yesterday I was accused of verbal mummy bashing, my son told her that I called her a bitch to him and some other derogatory comments. The worst part, he admits doing this. I am gutted. The little man that I have put so much effort into shielding and ensuring that he has a mum and a dad has knifed me in the back, I know he is only 7, but when I was 7 I followed my dad everywhere and adored him, I would never ever have done that to him. As for Janine, did she ask my side, of course not, she gave me both barrels with a reload!
7 years of heartache, negotiation and sacrifice, worthless.
She has not threatened to cut off access or any such, but I hate to say it, I don't know if I want anything to do with my Son when he so readily betrays me. What else has he said and to whom?
I had just started to build up a good relationship with him as it was so hard to relate earlier as I feel that I lost some of the most important bonding times with him whem he was younger, but If I had not gone then I hate to think what the outcome may have been.
I look back at my relationship with my Father and compare it to mine with my Son and I feel so empty. I don't know what more I can do.

Hi again Numb.

It's been quite a treck over the last few years for you and perhaps some was symbiotic concerning needs and support, but I doubt by what you have written would it be much more than that.

There is also quite a few inherant family problems from her mother that seem to be fueled by her close friends. The insecuritues and suspicions will be spawned from one person, this in itself rallies friends and family and one person alone gets crucified and is made responsible for acts they did not commit or that have been embelished, even lies can become reality if enough people believe especially if no-one ask you.

You may like to read the posts on P.A.S. parent allienation syndrom.

At seven children are easily influenced, manipulated and controled, they can't distinguise reality in the same way we do and associate things diferently, there is no need to get mad at him and spurn him because of something he really doesn't understand. The pain is there and I know your venting because you can't see who's throwing the punches but your son is not your enemy no more than our children are our saviours, many decide to move forward because of their children and rightfuly say " I couldn't have made it this far with out them " but it's their strength that carry them forward and the faith and love that they have for their children that fills with inspiration to fight.

A voice is being spoken through your child, quite possibly put their by a person extremely close to him that he trusts and craves effection from, he does not know of consiquence or deliberate hurt.

As always I may be very wrong so if you feel like ripper me another aota please feel free I'd rather take a chance than miss a point.

You are certainly right regarding misdirected anger at my son, I feel much better and more rational about the whole thin. now. Will have to take extra care though. I would hate to let anyone get the wrong idea, my ex did not really request any material items, rather I took and still do take my responsibility seriously, both to her, (I do not hate her, can't say I love her as anything other than the mother of our child though), I take pride in the fact that I have been able to assist het to get this far and I know that there will be a flow on effect to our son as she is a good mother and I believe has good intent. I feel that perhaps she takes her responsibility so seriously that that is why she excludes me from some aspects of his life. I hope that the example that I provide to my son will stand him in good stead when he is older. As much as I feel the utmost contempt towards those that have contributed to my situation I still respect women and try to impart that to my son. While this has been a traumatic experience for me, I do believe that my son has also suffered as I was very forthright and direct when I confronted him and his mother about his behaviour. He knows that he has dissappointed his dad so deeply, perhaps not why. I reacted so strongly because I despise those who run down either ex partner to their children as children are innocent parties and afterall, you loved that person sufficiently to have a child with them. I do fear what lies ahead for our son as things had never involved him until now. I did speak via telephone to my ex for about 30 minutes via telephone regarding the incident yesterday and tried to explain my feelings on the hurt caused and also the concern over where our son got these influences from. Women definitely do not feel as deeply as men do they? I expressed that I was more than willing to continue to fulfill a supportive role and ask for no return other than an occasional thankyou and the freedom from such accusations of actions which have never been my style. She admits that she could have handled things better. Bloody oath she could!
I feel, and have always felt that you are correct that insecurities form the basis of the problem. Surely she must se that I have always been there for her, even when she has been deserted by her so called friends. I know that we will never be a unit again no matter what I do. I am not some possessive, crazed stalker. Just a dad trying to do the best he can.
Tried to make contact with her tonight with no success left message on her mobile and will leave it at that until tomorrow. Just in case I am being set up, I have learned through bitter experience that you can never be too careful. This was also a foreign experience to me, I am by nature an open person.
I feel that so much of me has been destroyed by the events of the past few years, I find it hard to trust, have developed a short temper, (not violent though). Generally people will make only one mistake before I wipe them, still keep giving her chances though.
I want my son to respect me as I respect my father and also to respect his mother. I want him to grow into a solid member of society. I hope he never has to experience what I have.
I have also taken sreps to ensure that I am never caught again, at 32 I had a vasectomy, I am not sleeping with anyone, but I will never take that chance again. If there are no children you can walk away clean, with children it is a life long struggle.

So often when something shatters you can't put it back together the way it was, but with this you must have the understanding that you are not the same person and to expect the same from yourself as before may well be selling the person you have become short.

So much changes yet it seems the same, it takes time and you care enough to be a strong influence in your sons future, one trap that can catch us all by suprise is when we overcomensate for something we think our children are missing, wether it's adventure or disaplin even cramming two weeks into two days is not uncommon, it's natural and will balance out, our best is good enough.

I pretty much picked up that your not a stalker but things are still not sevred, this can be a good thing as long as you understand the limits.
As far as not cutting off your childs mother and giving her more chances than anyone else in the world, well you and I know they are the childs mother and afford a special place to us because of the child/children, but this does not mean they don't take advantage and don't appreciate what is given to them.

It's good to have a break and not stress about things, funny you mention how seriously she takes her responsibilities yet i see the same thing in aspects of how you deal with your son, highly responsible but perhaps not so structured.

We learn we adapt and we move forward, so something happened in two weeks it'll be something else, some better some worse but each time it polishes you a little more soon enough they'll be asking for the keys to the car.

Pain can express itself in many different ways and sometimes we react too quickly but hey we are only human.

Best of luck Numb