My topic is probably different from most of here. I am thinking of leaving my wife because I just can't tolerate her anymore. We have two young daughters and I want to always be in their lives in every way. I just want to ask the question of people who've been through it. 'Is it worth it?' Or is it better to stay in a terrible marriage for the all the best years of your life to prevent the misery of a breakup on the children? I've tried everything for many years and my marriage has always been bad. Any advice appreciated.

Thats an imposible question to give advice on.

Every situation is different and so are levels of abuse.

My X left me and I've been through the usual stuff of upheaval and displacement.

I would have to say that it was the most beneficial thing she could have done for myself and my daughter, as now my daughter has quality time to spend with her Dad ans we have a fantastic relationship.

Her mother was having an affair, so it wasn't about my benefit more to do with her usual selfishness, but I've benefited emensly. But thats me.

You may have to go through hell and back just to see your kids.

I guess it's all about if you want a relationship with your kids mum or you've had enough.
If your unsure, see a councillor or go to a Dids meeting and have a chat to the guy's there for close up contact experiance.
You can alway's post questions and chat here too.

Hi alca

I agree with D4E, that is a question that is impossible to advice.
Maybe you need to look within yourself and ask yourself is it better if I stay or If I leave? How is my relationship affecting my children at the moment. How is it effecting yourself. sometimes staying together can work sometime it is better to separate/ It is what is best for your family. Every family every situation every person is different and every acts differently in different situations. But this website, dids meetings and counsellors can all help you come to the right answer for you and your family


all the best for the future

unimum

My response is a little late and maybe you have made your decision already, but I will comment anyway. I think when you have children with someone that implies a commitment to the relationship. If not the relationship between the two adults involved, then the commitment you both share to the children you have created.

You will always be the parents of those children so I think you should make every effort to mend the relationship between you if that is possible. Communication is the key. If there are other people involved, any such efforts will be fruitless. Otherwise I would ask her to attend counselling with you and try and sort out the issues. To just leave without explanation or giving her an opportunity to change is not a fair or reasonable option, although common.

You cared about her enough once to have two children with her and maybe you have both changed along the way. Feelings do change but that does not mean all is irreconcilable. You have to try and fix it first. Then if your efforts are unsuccessful, you can leave with a clear conscience. You need legal advice and parenting orders if that happens. Do not settle for verbal agreements and vague arrangements. That is likely to be a disaster and avoidable.

Try not to mud sling if things go awry, you will need to parent together for the rest of their lives so make it as amicable as you can. It might not be easy but it will be worth it if you can see your daughters and play a major role in their upbringing and future.

I don't think it is ever a good idea to stay in an unhappy relationship for the children's sake, allegedly. Life is short. Try and fix it first, give it your best effort.
Do that for your children's sake.

give your partner a fair go to change things. that's just the decent thing to do.
have counselling, either together or on your own if she won't go with you.
separation is never easy but it might be the only answer in the end.

all the best

Hi Alca,

I am in a similar situation to you. Fell out of love with wife, had an affair and trying to decide whether to leave wife & live with affair or not - major issue holding me back is the 2 great kids with wife and the enormous unknown about whether the affair will work out.

I have been following the advice given by others here - trying hard to make a go of it with the wife and if it doesn't work, you can leave with your head held high and safe in the knowledge that it is meant to be.

A danger of internet research is you can find support for almost any point of view, so be careful about trustung what you read.

I must say also that this is a brilliant site, but remember it will be dominated by people who have had a bad experience, and people for whom it went well will probably not be spending much time here.

So my advice to you is try to make a go with the wife - talk to her so she gets a chance to improve. And then leave if you must - life is too short. But the effects on children and your relationship with them will be really hard so you must prepare well fort that.

All the best, Syd_did

Welcome syd_did,

Life does happen and in the end you have to work with whats left.

You are so right there are multiple opinions and support for them all. Human nature is to seek approval and support to allow your situation to be acceptable for you.

It is very important on any opinion or advice to relate it to your situation and what can work for you, sometimes this may not be what you want to hear but may well be what you need.

Luckily some members have very short contact with the site as they just needed help over a rough patch and are never heard of again, the more of that the better.

Going wrong does not always mean staying wrong and making sure the relationship is over before leaving is all well and good but breathing time and allowing yourself time to deal with your issues may well save the next relationship otherwise you'll just be moving baggage from one house to another.

Take care Syd_did I hope things work out either way It's a hard place to be in and I don't envy your situation, some may see it as win win, personally I just wish you the best.



The only thing that I am now bitter about is that I was misled by the person I loved into believing she loved me until one day before the separation, and the reasons for the separation became obvious when I questioned her about the amount of time she spent with a family friend we were helping through his separation. Busted she was in a corner but given her due she had been planning it for at least 8 months.

What happened after that point was despicable on her part and well could have left my daughter scared and damaged if not for epic amount of positive work on my part which will continue.

Always try to keep the kids at heart and be a positive influence.

Thanks D4E, good advice. You are right - it doesn't feel like win win. In either path a lot of people will get hurt.

Do you know if there are sites catering for the dilemma that Alco & I are facing, or is there an appropriate space on dids to work through the issues? I appreciate we are a bit "upstream" of where most dids users are, so don't want to hijack the site!

Cheers, syd_did

Hi again syd_did

I've been to a few sights for Dads and found this one has the best cross section, I have to admit because of the different specifics of situation my eyes weren't' open for your dilemma, But you'll notice the forum gives support to many different situations and circumstances, most posts receive an answer.

I can't see anyone objecting to yourself posting and requesting advice and I am sure many will relate to your situation.

You are still a DID who needs support and help and if people feel they have nothing constructive to add they simply won't respond, so post away under any heading you feel covers your situation, just talking can be a big help.