hi
first time on this site and going off my username that is my situation.
i,ll start at the beginning ,i was 23 at a party met a girl had a great night,saw her again the following week , and she said i,m not interested in a relationship,
8 months later a phone call i,m pregnant, so i tried to do the right thing by her and take responsibility.i dont want anything to do with you all i want is your moneywas her reply as well as being threatened by her family.
dna test etc etc
things were going ok every second weekend access but would not call me dad only my first name, met my current partner, and her and my son got along great.
we married and she became pregnant , my son was so excited about having a bro or sis that he kept saying i hope its a brother.
week before xmas 2004 was to have my son and my new child was due early january . mothers son on the phone he doesnt want to talk to you.
wife gave birth to a son and called my son to tell him and see when he wanted to meet his brother.Phone no. disconnected ,drove to the house they were living in ,gone.
so no idea where he is or how he is doing.
but by now with all the bad mouthing his mother told him about me just dont know what to do.
dont have the money to get court orders.current wife is still going through post natal depression and cant work,and after bills and child support i am strapped .
csa dont give a rats ....

Hi 3 years no contact and welcome.

The first thing you need to know is that you are not alone, not only do many go through very similar situation but you have now found somewhere that will listen and try to help you through the journey.

I understand how difficult a situation you find yourself in and it will take a while before you see any forward movement but it will come slowly at first and as you become more aware of alternates that are available to you things won't seem so catastrophic.

One of the first things I always suggest is to help yourself and allow yourself to realise that with out you in good health then you can't be there for anyone to any positive extent. For your situation it's a little harder, because your partner suffers from post natal depression you have an adult in your life that is in need of major support as well as well as a new born.

Perhaps you may like to elaborate on what is high on the priority list for you right at this moment. I know everything is very important but what I mean is what do you think will help you the most right now.

I do not want to seem callous but arranging time with your older son will take time to go through the system but is possible and is a long term goal.
I'll make the assumption that no orders are in place due to the fact contact was regular prior to her disappearance but this does not mean contact can not be re-established.

Let us know how old your children are and how your partner is coping.

I do appreciate writing about this may be difficult , so only discuss what you are comfortable with.

And I don't care how long your reply is or if it doesn't seem to make sense, none of make sense at the start because we don't know where to start.

D4E

hi d4e
my wife is improving but still has bad days
our son will be 3 in january
my other son turns 11 in a couple of months
i guess at the moment the main priority is for my wife and son and having a happy a stable family life
dont worry about being callous the women in some of the other situations on this site are the callous ones

Hi again 3 years no contact,

One of the most vivacious tools used by a bullying controller is Alienation.

This would have been imposed on your son I would feel, as soon as you separated and for the three years of no contact the brain washing would have been constant. In my opinion this is a traumatic form of abuse that should be confronted by child services as abuse and not an acceptable method of disassociating the child from the other parent.

There is something that can be done especially in early days, though in reality fathers are not encouraged enough to pursue contact nor do we have the access available that women have to know our rights. We have to find a source that can help us to find information about regaining contact or establishing what we perceive as reasonable contact.

One problem that the court does recognise is the unfortunate effects of alienation, one of the judgments I read awhile ago accepted that alienation against the father was strong but decided not to force contact because it would not benefit the child but rather cause more turmoil to the childs life. So strong was the alienation the child in his mid teen would suffer more from contact.
No doubt other cases would have better result but this was extreme alienation.

Your son is at the age or close to it where he is able to decide weather he wants contact or not, he may want contact but afraid of the repercussions, therefore when mum scathingly asked him if he wants to see you and makes plain her opinion that she will make his life miserable if he does then funnily enough he may be too afraid to say yes or even more to the point three years plus of brain washing has cracked him.

By no means am I saying it's unlikely but more to the point is it will take time and patience, mediation may be a better avenue for the situation even though it is not compulsory, you may be able to use a mediator to discuss things with your son and give you a heads up of hoe they feel about the situation.

Your wife has been suffering for three years and I assume on medication for her condition, anyone who has suffered from depression will know just how debilitating it is, there are also many side effects from the condition that you literally berate yourself for feeling to the point of overcompensating then falling in a big heap for long periods where you just don't function. For you to cope with this as well as everything else you are going through I would suggest has you going out of your mind at times and would be a path filled with broken bottles, no doubt the guilt about bringing your own problems into your marriage will also have attachments which you endevour to compensate for but are still there and have no resolution in you or the situation.

At this stage I'd like you to let me know if there is anything I have written that does not apply, I may well be right off track and although your post short I assume a lot .

I know the money is a major problem but in reality it's just a symptom.

I look forward to your next post and please do not hesitate to berate me if my words are offensive.

D4E.

well d4e
you you hit the nail square on the head
its like you have been through a similar situation
i guess in a way (and i hate myself for saying this )that trying to call my son and have him not talk to me because of her brainwashing is more painfull than not calling at all(even if i did have the phone no.)
sorry my posts are short but its hard for me to put down how i feel
my wife is supportive as much as she can be at the moment and life seems to be improving
yes the medication can have extreme side effects and she does realise the things she does

I read a lot between the lines of a post even if it's just a few lines.

It's not important that you reply or write big posts, it takes a lot to be able to trust and be confident that but in time I hope some of the posts you receive will help you through.

It's been three years for me in fact nearly four since " The freedom " and I have to admit I'm not ready to start a new relationship, for many reasons.

Believe it or not our situations are very different accept to when it comes to alienation and although the situation and circumstances may be different alientators are pretty much the same and the effects on the sufferers and the families of sufferers are very similar, the effects also spread to close family like grands and extended family.

One of the biggest mistakes that can be made is the fight for innocence, and it's important that reasons and feelings are sorted before contact is made if at all possible, I know this may well be a future thing or something that may never occur but working through some off the associated feelings will help you now and in the near future.
The feeling for a father that a child of theirs thinks that he deserted them is a burden that is unfathomable to those who have never experienced it and this includes myself, although I can feel some of your pain I can't feel just how deep it is, nor can I see the barrier's that have been placed in your mind to block out the feelings over the last four years.
We automatically assume blame because this is how we have been conditioned through the relationship, things called triggers are used to condition reaction and then an ample supply of guilt finishes it off.

There's only one way through but it comes in time and depends on your ability to release certain feelings, in time with luck you will come to understand yourself and disarm a few of the triggers that believe it or not are still deep in your physcy.

All of this may seem like new age crap or touchy feely stuff but it's just simple de-programing and recognition of what has been used against you.
I believe a lot of fathers suffer from something similar to combat stress or a post-traumatic stress but no-one ever acknowledges anything of the sort.

You may want to think about taking your wife back to the doctors and explaining some of the side effects that she is suffering, I suffer from clinical depression and it did take quite a while to get the medicine type and dosage right. This may help things immensely.

I know that your wife will be fully supportive but I also know that you will try to protect her from the deeper feelings.
Just having the strength to take part in the forum takes great courage and it's a step towards the future, no-one can guarantee how it will turn out but we can make an effort and that may just make all the difference in the world.

And remember only write what you are comfortable sharing

Hey 3 years no contact , good to listen to you and a good friend you will find in D4E , in fact this is were the rubber meets the road and our life is placed for all to see.
I would commend you for expressing clearly how you feel. You indeed have placed yet a few area's of speaking with us, and I'm the lazy one, I sit in the background answering emails and listening to this amazing Web Site.

Also I have been down the 'plughole' of depression myself once more.

Yet ! All that aside, I may ask the question, a question I seldom ask. Are you still paying child support?

If you could speak with your Son , what do you know of him at this stage of his life, and if you have info. was it through Family.?

May I ask the last question, dear Mate , who is assisting you with your wife's depression , her difficulty in her own lack of coping along with her reaction to her own feelings?

D4E has already asked in concern for you , how you have managed to cope.
Damned if I'm not the most stubborn critter....... that walked the planet ....to ask for help myself , ........so I am looking at me somewhat as I speak with you.

So often we men are assumed , as my son lectures me, to be 'supermen' .We don't articulate our pain as women to women do. We are supposed to be the tough , do anything to us , and we will bounce back. Well a rubber band has its breaking point...............or if stretched to the limit and slingshots away.

We really care here, and we , as has been spoken , wish to assist you in staying well , not pretending all is well....as I did , until ......... I was at the end of my bucket, clutching on by the fingernails with family and friends all around and I .................................said.................................................................................................................that's right , nothin'

Here is my sharing how I was after , learning my wife of the past had stopped me seeing her dying sister whom I have known since she was 15 years old, and I , 17 yrs at the time.

"Hi to each specially unique and valued friend who visits my journal on (blank.) It is to me, much better than a cuppa coffee , (though the thought just sparked and interest in making one, perhaps after I speak with you.) better than a cigarette, though I don't smoke now, did once for six weeks, and decided to stop....took me 2 years to not want another! So I empathise if you are trying give them up.

I have been finding that if I , whilst in depression write down 3 THINGS in a home daily Journal , or diary, the night before , items which are needful to do tomorrow , then NO. 4 is something I really enjoy doing , though tempted to do no.4 first , to help me get motivated, a wee bit , If I get through those 1st 3 items and do the 4th, I feel accomplishment , and often now , it assists me to do extra, yet not to over-do it, as the next day can be hell.

Mind you ,....there are still days I feel 'blaaaaahhh!!!!'.....

Well I can't help you with that one, the blaaaahhh days , like myself , perhaps let it pass and as myself , I now never give myself a hard time of berating myself. Whipping myself , telling myself I am lazy and my cat ought to take me to the Vet and have me PUT DOWN.!!!

Depression , burnout and nervous breakdown , panic attack and looking endlessly for food which doesn't add weight ,....colours each day. It can make me do stupid things such as shopping for food over and over ,...I think one calls it shopping therapy .

I am still sticking to the 4 THINGS, WRITTEN DOWN AND ORGANISED , TO BEGIN THE NEXT DAY. NO didn't make it to Church today. No , not giving myself a hard time , God understands.

THANK YOU FOR BEING MY FRIENDS , AND I YOUR'S. iF YOU WERE AN ;OLD ; FRIEND, PLEASE RETURN....and share, as I care ....and it keeps my mind off myself.

Coffee time , yes I know, I'm not supposed to drink coffee.

So good Buddy, but this is just me, take from it that which is helpful for your wife and yourself and leave the other woffle lie. Good sharing with you and D4E.

My very best regards to you, and your Family

Colin