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Should I step back?

 
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D.C. N P



Joined: 27 Apr 2008
Posts: 5
Location: Melbourne Victoria

PostPosted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 9:47 pm    Post subject: Should I step back? Reply with quote

can anyone give me some advice.

At the end of May my son and I are moving interstate to join my partner. We will be moving away from all our family and shoulders we tend to lean on when things get tough,
I'm wanting this move to be as pain free for my son as I can make it.
We have been a twosome since he was a babe, (he is now 12) and he has already questioned me a couple of times on different issues of disiplin and living habits that we have and my partner is not use to them and finds our relationship a little hard to accept at times IE: our banter and openess.

So far I have backed my partner when my son comes to my we have talked things over when I think my son is out of earshot. Alot of things he doesn't like are things we have been doing since god knows.

Should I change most ways we have to fit with my partner or do I talk to my partner and ask him to come down to our level and way of things?

help please
D.C. N P

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D4E



Joined: 05 Jan 2006
Posts: 2045
Location: Western Australia

PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2008 12:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've made a few mistakes when my X and I got together, she already had three children and they had a father but listening to the X and being atop a white horse I believed chivalry, ethics and such meant mothers did not lie, especially in front of their children.

I was given the responsibility of a father straight away although my initial way of parenting was that both should be involved.

This was my first and second mistake, I accepted the responsibility and I picked up the slack when she was lapsed. The rules were discussed but she would rather be the kids friend than a parent then rant and rave when things did not go her way. I babble.

The next was I held to the punishment, cause and effect where as she would simply let things go as soon as she calmed down, no further discipline.

I never intensionally set out to be the sole parent in a family but it ended up that way. When my daughter was born a new dynamic entered that I was favoring her, so I'd go out of my way to neutralize the situation and adapt to what my X wanted.

Things got worse and although I gave the kids plenty of love and tried to make everything fair I had my X in the background working against me constantly so she could be the good parent.

Here's the thing.

I was never their parent and I should never of taken this role on, I should have allowed their mother to parent them. Even though my efforts to provide and establish a family atmosphere was true and I did what was expected of me by my wife, it was the wrong thing.

At twelve your son needs a male role model not a dad, if it turns into your son accepting your partner as a father figure then there is much to be proud of.

Unfortunately my experience has cost me dearly and all I did was what was expected of me and I thought was the right thing to do, I am and was a good father and what happened was woe full for both me and the kids.

There are rules for all who live in the house and there are rules for authority you need an understanding of both and to make sure you do not put expectations on your man or your son that neither can live up to.

Best of luck you need to be clear of the rules all round including yourself.

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D.C. N P



Joined: 27 Apr 2008
Posts: 5
Location: Melbourne Victoria

PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2008 4:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thankyou D4E

for your own experience and ideas, it has given me the confidence I needed and was lacking.

My son has never really had a fatherly rolemodel in his short life but has always had a daddy and I intend to keep daddy as daddy. What I'm hoping for is my new partner and son to develope a bond as in a strong friendship and someone male he can talk to when talking to mum is out of the question eg; a girlfriend question! (he already has a few)

from reading your post I think we have been doing the right things so far eg; when we have a difference of opinion we talk when my son is out of ear shot to try and get on the same path.

I know it will be trial and era probably till my son moves out but your imput has been wonderfull.

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